SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm curious and trying to get a general consensus here.

So, back in March I discovered my wife's affair that lasted roughly 1 year. I'll spare the details of her affair for the sake of this post, but its ugly. Her affair partner is a disgusting human with a criminal record pertaining to children. At first, we were trying to reconcile and she SEEMED remorseful. About 1.5 months into working on things, I kept uncovering more lies, secrets, etc. At some point, the mask came off and she completely turned. She went from pretending to be remorseful and taking blame, to blaming me for not being there "emotionally" etc.

Early on, I got the impression she wasn't telling her family the truth about her affair and our relationship, so I tried to put some feelers out to her family and I was met with a total disinterest in hearing my side of the story. As a matter of fact, they have avoided me and my wife has purposely kept me away from anyone on her side. I looked on her phone and saw text messages to certain family and friends calling me emotionally abusive, controlling, and that I'll never change. Which really took me as a surprise, because our relationship was NEVER that way. Long story short, its obvious that the narrative was being re-written by my wife.

Anyways, what are all your experiences with this? I get it, its her family and they're not going to be on my side no matter what. But to totally shut me out when I'm not the one who blew up our marriage? To not reach out at all? It's very isolating and heartbreaking. And to know that I'm being labeled the villain is absolutely insane.

A little more context; I have been with my wife for over 12 years, so these people have known me since I was 18 years old. Also, we have (3) children under the age of 10, so I have to deal with this family for a long time in some capacity.

I get it, its her family and they're not going to be on my side no matter what.

Unfortunately, this is the simple truth. In all of the years my ex and I were together post d-day and trying to reconcile I had ONE conversation with my former MIL. I did not feel any empathy or sympathy from her at all. And I truly loved and respected her.

Let it go, man. It's not fair or right, but it is what it is. Parents are always going to be very protective of their children.

It is entirely possible (probable) that they don't want to get involved. That's understandable to me.

Some people have been kicking this around a little in the divorce forum:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667119/who-do-you-tell-your-sider-of-story/

The tl;dr is it’s a mixed bag. Some people do it some don’t.

I think you’re perfectly in the right to standup for yourself and defend your good name. Given her AP is a child-molester or whatever, there’s an aspect of child safety that you frankly might feel obligated to share.

No in laws of significance to tell. MIL was dead and FIL was already estranged. I probably would have told FIL otherwise.

Her sister already knew and was a WW herself.

Never spoke to them again. I was glad of that.

Her dad ran off with a younger woman and abandoned the family.

Both her brothers were in and out of prison, one robbed a female taxi driver at knife point. The step-dad was a coke head but admittedly a very nice fella when not on a come down.

Jesus, I needed to learn to watch out for red flags back then.

My WXH has only his mother, and we were always tight. We always said we would have been friends regardless. And guess what...we still are! She's my other mother; my son is her only grandchild. It helps that he is grown, but she and I get together and visit each other without ever having to talk about WXH - his name and life never come up between us.

I told her at the beginning about the A, and she was very upset with him. I don't know what their relationship now is and I don't care. I just know that my DS has a great relationship with her and so do I. She has met my new H, she likes to give him hugs, and she gave us a wedding gift. My mom and I go see her so they can maintain a relationship also. She and my mom are both my heroes for how they handled their own divorces years ago and I love them both more than I can say.

I'm glad she believed me. I'm glad we instinctively set boundaries early on about what/who we allow into our relationship. I'm glad to have her in my life. I'm so lucky.

I called the in-laws (all of them) and told them myself.

I knew he was trying to get me to instigate the D so he could be "blameless" and sweep his cheating under the rug.

And blame me for his unhappiness.

I am cordial/friendly to some in-laws and BFFs with others. Whatever they thought of me — at least I made sure they knew he was the liar & cheater.

My in-laws would have immediately taken his side, no matter what.

In fact, my own family would have taken his side.

How do I know that my family would side with my WH?

Because I once had a boyfriend who beat the living hell out me one night, the police put me in protective custody while looking for him - and when I called home to let them know what was going on, my dad asked this question:

"What did you do that made him have to beat you?"

The in-laws aren’t your friends.

Her affair partner is a disgusting human with a criminal record pertaining to children.

I think in your case your in-laws need a heads up that they need to keep an eye on their grandchildren or nieces and nephews (and not just your kids, any kids in the family) while your stbxw is involved with this creature. Even if her affair ends they need to take her judgement into account going forward.

Not with my in law, not with my family not with my friends.

In part it was to preserve her image and reputation. On the other hand it is her call to confess to her family.
It’s the right thing to do for her.

The people who know are her friends who have been around during her affairs, some encouraging others facilitating them.

All dead to me, I would not share anything personal with any of them.
The only two friends I still talk with are the two who were advising her against affairs.

I only talked to one as she was also brutally betrayed recently and she has us as confidants, so my wife openly brought up her betrayals (in front of me) and claimed she should never allow him back.

I agreed so we talked.

Besides her, the other souls are the people here, anonymously.

First call I made was to my Brother-in-Law. My best friend then and now. He told his Parents.

Affairs can't survive in the sunlight and she got plenty of sunlight!

Didn't go well for her for a long time!

Well, and I was the one telling you to tell your in-laws too, thinking it would do a world of good. All I can say is my bad.

I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this right now.

I thiink sometimes the apple just doesn't fall that far from the tree and that is what we have here. Sadly this does not sound uncommon at all. I know of so many people who justify things like insurance fraud e.g., pouring bleach on the rug to get a new one--so it does not surprise me that your STBX-WW's family is circling the wagons around her. IIRC your STBX-WW has some dysfunctional family dynamics of her own no?

The one set of things you can do at this point are protecting your kids from STBX-WW's continuing nonsense, and then protecting your finances as much as you can.

Perhaps you'd like a perspective on this from the other side?

When my dday happened, I was asked to leave. With nowhere else to go, I showed up at my parents door with nothing but a bag and tear streaked cheeks. Yes, they are my parents, and their immediate instinct was to make sure I was okay and try to understand what had happened. But they absolutely loved my exBH.

​We had been together since I was 19, and we divorced just after my 30th birthday. In every way that mattered, he was their son, and they were incredibly disappointed in my behavior. While they were never going to let me fall, there was no "protect her no matter what" shielding. They held my feet to the fire. My dad was genuinely worried about losing him, and they actually still talk to this day.

My exBH told a lot of people, and rightfully so, it was his story to tell, too. I had to face my MIL, which was terrifying, and many other members of his family. Looking them in the eyes after devastating the person they loved was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I did without flinching (mostly).

And I did it without lying, minimizing, or trying to paint him as the bad guy. That is how remorse shows up. And that is the real problem here. And what may be at the root of what you are feeling.

Your WW is wanting to control the narrative and she is operating out of self-preservation, not remorse.

Thank you for all of the great feedback here.

I asked because I know how I feel about it, and I know how my family handled it when close family members were caught in affairs. I have an ideology that people are raised to recognize right from wrong, but obviously that's not the case.

Although, I did stumble upon some more details tonight. I'll save that for a future post. I KNOW her family doesn't know about this one.

So how much does her family know about your STBX-WW's affair? What they do not yet know about--were you referring to the specific detail that you just found out about?

Honestly? I have no idea what they know. I never told them, my wife swears that she told them, but I'm learning that she is habitual liar.

We have a new D-day. I discovered a new AP today, just 3.5 months after the discovery of her first affair.

Crazy, I know.

Honestly? I have no idea what they know. I never told them, my wife swears that she told them, but I'm learning that she is habitual liar.

We have a new D-day. I discovered a new AP today, just 3.5 months after the discovery of her first affair.

Crazy, I know.

This sucks. Sending my sympathy.
If it helps to feel a bit better I understand what you feel.

Until the wayward really manages to heal and can consistently show you they are a changed person, you will be safer to take every "truth" with a pinch of salt.

Lying is a very deeply ingrained coping mechanism they have learned, it’s easier to resort to it as default.

It can change, but it requires work and will.

I didnt at the start as we were in R (false) and he didnt want me to, he got angry if I said anything close. In the end I did, and they sided with him and continue to. They beleived his made up stories; 'I was unhappy in the marriage' 'she was controlling' she was an abuser' 'we have done nothing wrong' - we have all heard this right?

They dont contact me at all now, even though it was the only family I had here. Its very hurtful but shame on them, and Ive closed that door on having anything to do with them.

[This message edited by Trix123 at 12:49 PM, Friday, July 17th]

I didn't have to tell any of my in laws. After I found out about it my wife told the whole fucking world. I didn't get any empathy or sympathy. She had been running me through the wringer to make herself not look like the bad guy.

She just recently had an in depth conversation with her mother admitting that she had lied quite a bit in service of her affair. She admitted the depth of her deception and the twisting of the truth she did. What she got from her mother was "you never did things like that growing up, but we all make mistakes honey."

My wife is their miracle child. She wasn't supposed to be able to walk, talk, or even function normally due to a tbi as an infant and resulting epilepsy. At age 11 her seizures stopped for 25 years. She pulled through and graduated high school with some honors. She can do no real wrong in their eyes. I think her being spoiled, combined with the unique wiring of her damaged brain is part of what led to some of the personality traits that allowed her to do it. She's not handicapped but has some cognitive blind spots and sometimes makes decisions that can leave a person scratching their head. Decisions like blabbing to everyone about her affair when caught. Most WS' are to embarrassed and ashamed to tell people about it.

I didn't even bother trying to talk to them about it. I know it would have just ended with bad feelings on my part. I haven't told anyone in my family. I live over 2000 miles away from where I grew up so no one on my side knows about it. Honestly, I'm too humiliated and ashamed about it to say anything to them because I decided to try and work it out with her.

Icedale, I was first under the impression in your thread last month that they did not know, and then in this thread earlier I thought you *had* in fact told them and it did not do any good whatsoever.

That they won't even listen to your side of the story is a telling detail. Either they have decided that their daughter can do no wrong here--i.e., the thinking is she is blood and you are not and that is the end of the story--OR your daughter told them something truely horrid about you and they believe it.

At this point moving forward though, your priorities are protecting your kids from your STBX-WW's nonsense and then protecting your finances as much as possible. So I can repeat myself there.

Do they--STBX-WW's family help take care of your kids say babysitting?