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I know I said I wasn't posting about myself again because of how poorly it seems to go, but...

So, I discovered self-love. Or maybe achieved it? Idk, I genuinely really like myself now. I know that I am loveable. So that solves that particular causal mechanism for my infidelity (there are still others being worked on, of course.)

But I think I am having trouble receiving love from my H, and I'm experiencing these weird surges of anxiety where a committee member (who looks like the cartoon kid from the Tootsie Pop commercials) in my head goes "I feel unloved. H doesn't love us 😰" And then another will align a huge stack of papers by tapping the edge on the table, look over the top of her round little spectacles and go "Nonsense. Of course he loves us. Here is a list of all the ways he shows it, remember?" And she reads it for the committee and everyone nods along, and someone walks by and pats the anxious committee member on the head in a weirdly comforting but dismissive fashion, but she just kind of sits down on the floor with her knees draw up to her check and her eyes darting furtively all around the board room, silent but definitely not soothed. (Truly a bizarre mental experience. I am simultaneously that CM and the other CMs and also the one observing the CMs...And I don't know how to help her. I feel completely bonkers.)

And I told my husband that I love myself, and I consciously know that he loves me and how, but I'm still having this anxiety. And he apologized that I ever felt that way, and I said "Thanks, but you are doing a good job. I'm just trying to convey that this doesn't make any sense, and figure out why it's happening." He said something along the lines of "You always need a catastrophe to be happening. Some big momentous thing to be focused on." That shocked me. I think he's probably right, and that's kind of in line with my ADHD as well... I don't know how to exist peacefully when my life is just all calm and well. I'm looking for problems when there aren't any. I'm trapped in the Drama Triangle. It's me; I am the problem!

This would probably be a good thing to talk about with my IC, but I felt like writing about it here as well. Gonna have to sit with this revelation for a bit.

What other CM's are tense right now? Look around the room? Is it "just" TootsiePop? Not that TootsiePop is unimportant. But... are certain other natives restless, too?

If it's "just" TootsiePop that's upset, plan a date with H? He'd love to do something with you! Or... send him a text. One to get his motors reved in anticipation? I would love to get a text some time from my own W that would make me flustered and blush. Maybe learn a new skill together? Take a pottery class. Cook something together! Go fishing together? Plan a fantasy with H?

If a couple of other CMs from different departments seem to be restless after all, there might be something to your H's insight. I know I get anxious whenever there is peace in my home. The feeling that something is amiss and I can't put my finger on it is awful! Maybe sign-up for another college class? Write a Great American Novel! Exercise?

[This message edited by Unconventional at 2:28 AM, Friday, October 16th]

Various ones are popping their heads out of their department office doorways and shouting, "Hey, do we remember we have this thing to do?" And I (the Mini Me, chairman of the board) sigh and say "Yes. We made a plan to take care of that already. Just need to execute." And they get back to work. Not much else is happening. We are under stimulated because there are no emergencies and no problems to hyper focus on. Passion projects are still underway, but they are being balanced properly with responsibilities, and occasionally progress is delayed by something beyond my control.

And we don't fucking like it.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 2:30 AM, Friday, October 16th]

Well, Morbs.... this sounds like a good problem to have. I'm happy for you! And sad for you. 'Cause peace is pretty elusive for us. But, on the rare occasions it has arisen in recent years, there's just no remedy but waiting for the next calamity to arise.

You can always tell me how I'm messing up my own life, if you're truly looking for a dumpster fire to tackle!

Good night!

I know that I am loveable.

This is a good realization to have, Morbs.

And I just want to say, that I see it. I think you are very loveable. You have many good qualities and I see them expressed here often.

That's it. That's my 2 cents.

Aw thanks, Pogre

Hi there. BS here but not stop sign.

The way to eliminate bad/negative thoughts is to replace them with good/positive ones. Sounds super easy right? We all know different.

BS or WS - Lizard Brain is a thing and the Rabbit Hole is real. What works for me is having a strategy and plan for avoiding them.

Listen - when that little Tootsie Pop kid comes out licking that thing telling you all sorts of crap - become that wise old owl, count ah-one, ah-two, ah-three (see what I did there) and take that tootsie pop and don't just bite into it - smack her upside the head with it. Metaphorically smack that negative self doubt talk back to oblivion. Repeat often.

Then...build your armor against it. For me, that sparkly undies and lipgloss. Figure out your version of that and make sure you don your best of it when those thoughts try to rear their ugly head.

Have a mantra you tell yourself. Me - I remind myself that I'm a BASGU (Bad Add Sparkly Goddess Unicorn). Figure out what your best version of yourself is and remind yourself regularly. No shame in putting that on a colorful post it and sticking it on mirrors, in drawers, on your laptop, etc.

You got this.

This happened to me too, Morbs. I have ADHD too by the way.

When my XWGF left me for someone else, I eventually moved on and met my now wife. But for the longest time, anytime she would compliment me I would get suspicious. It was weird because I was always self-assured if not cocky. I’m cringing writing this because it sounds so douchey, but I was a D1 athlete at an Ivy. I went to a great law school. Pretty girls liked me. But after XWGF, I felt like I had no idea who I was. And I just couldn’t take a compliment from her. But she persisted and eventually I was able to relax.

I think your insecurity right now is completely understandable to the point of almost being like ‘how could you not feel that way?’

I’m glad you know you’re lovable. I agree with Pogre. You’re obviously smart and deep. Your desire to better yourself and help others has engendered my admiration.

On a side note, look into Amazing Marvin. It’s the best to-do app for ADHD. I love it. You can configure it to what works for you, and having it as like an external brain is sooo calming for me. I don’t have to always try to remember what I’m forgetting and that makes it feel so much less crazy in my head.

I know you hate when I say this but to me this sounds very normal.

Integration takes time. Awareness is the key.

I had a similar experience with a gratitude practice earlier in my journey. I knew intellectually that I have a good life and many things to be happy about. I had a hard time though feeling it or being in a positive place. I just felt flat and lacked any ability to sustain any optimism. But I kept at it, every day writing down 3 things, and after a while I started noticing things to write the next day. And then I just started noticing things more and more until it was pretty much all the time.

Not the same scenario you have written here. But what we notice expands.

You have started to nurture your relationship with yourself. Some of this is coming from you changing behaviors that ultimately was bringing you down. Doing that for yourself made you feel the ability to appreciate yourself more. This is a great realization, and I have found the more we do good, the more we feel good, the more we feel good, the more we want to do good.

So exorcising things like contributing to the spiral of conversations (and other things that was in that recent plan you shared) freed up more time to feel good. Getting bigger down in fighting about things that get so convoluted that you lose track of what matters is a huge energy drain. Those are the things that were actually working against you in your relationship with yourself. Instead, you made a plan to expand on the good for yourself.

All good steps, and it didn’t come at once. It came after you gained self awareness.

Now you have a new awareness, and over time you will stop looking for proof of no love and switch it to proof of love. You couldn’t do that as fully until the awareness of it happened.

For me, once I realized that some of my narratives about my husband not loving me or providing me with emotional security were really mostly products of how I was taking in the data rather than the true data itself, this did start to turn around. It takes time but it’s not something you have to struggle with yourself about. You just simply need to pay attention more and appreciate as it’s happening.

I suspect I have ADHD as well, and I too loved chaos. But sleeping down and noticing, being mindful, this naturally (mostly) slowly left the building.

The power is in the narratives a s the stories you tell yourself. Just slow down and really notice what is happening and appreciating more and that narrative will slowly change.

Congratulations—-this is a bigger turning point for you than you realize yet.

Thank you guys . I will try out the app and a noticing-practice

Exactly. We have met the problem and it is us! But if you're your problem, you're your solution, too. Loving yourself and realizing how difficult it is to receive love is a gigantic step toward the solution.

It's very strange that the cure for betrayal is loving oneself. That seems much more like a reward than a punishment, but my experience has been that a person who loves themself is true to themself and therefore won't be untrue to anyone.

I agree with hiking - the more used you get to loving yourself, the more you'll be able to receive (and give) love.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:30 PM, Friday, October 16th]