SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hmm…so here I am, in the club no one asked to join. (*insert in the club, we all fam gif here). Let’s start from the top.

My husband (WH, 35) and I (BP, 33) have been together for 15 years, we’re conquered long distance, hard times, good times and everything in between. Then, on October 1st he told me he had developed feelings for someone else. A friend of his, who I know and encouraged him to be friends with. I’ve never been a jealous person, so their friendship didn’t ring any alarm bells for me.

Apparently, he started to feel disconnected from me at the beginning of the year. Instead of saying anything he tried to "work on it himself," in his own words. Shockingly, this did not go well for him…

Instead of communicating his needs, which i’m not ever sure he can correctly identify even now, he told me things like: I want to do more things together, which we did, and I though we were having so much fun. He said he wanted to be more casually physically affection, which we did, and again, I thought we were both enjoying.

Turns out, we were trying to solve two very different degrees of issue. His drift from me continued until he developed feelings for an entirely different person.

If you’re thinking this is finally when he told me, you would be incorrect. He actually told 4 other couples about this prior to coming to me, including his parents. What he hoped to gain from these conversations is still a mystery to me. In fact, it wasn’t until his AP told him that she reciprocated his feelings and cut off communication that he knew this was fucked.

Now, he’s laid all this information at my feet, and I’m just staring at it like "what the fuck do you want me to do with this?" He can’t promise me that he’ll want to be romantic again because all he sees when he looks at me is shame and guilt - like, okay. He’s currently staying with a friend, which is fine, but I can’t tell if that’s more for his own benefit or mine - i think he doesn’t want to have to face me and my hurt and pain.

Some boundaries we’ve established are:

1. A twice daily check in, which he leads, and I follow. Casual, how are you, how is it going.

2. If you want me to show up to couples therapy there is to be no contact with the AP and full transparency.

3. We agree that we want to try and untangle what the fuck happened here.

He’s in IC (as am I) and we are in couples counseling to determine if there is anything to salvage here. I’m certainly guilty of the pick me dance here, and i’m trying to break the habit - thought it’s hard.

As always, hindsight is 20/20, and I can see he’s been struggling all year, despite not being able to say that to me. In May, I went on a weekend trip and when I came home he told me that he had tried to solicit sex on the internet and got scammed out of $500. At the time, I was upset but saw it for what it (or what I thought) was: a cry for help. I encouraged him to seek individual counseling and he did. We even discussed this incident with our couples therapist until we BOTH agreed that we felt reconciled (lol).

So now here I am, blind sided again and going through the motions without truly knowing what I want out of this. I want the marriage I thought I had, and maybe did at one point - but we’re at rock bottom now. I was shoved here, unfortunately, but that doesn’t change that I’m here.

[This message edited by stayg0lden at 3:07 PM, Thursday, October 15th]

stayg0lden,

A couple of questions:

Then, on October 1st he told me he had developed feelings for someone else.

How far has this escalated? You said he tried to solicit sex back in May and you worked through that (I guess?) and now he's developed feelings for someone you encouraged him to be friends with. Can you explain that? I would have a hard time encouraging my wife to be friends with someone from the opposite sex, even before she had an affair.

Has he committed to no contact with the AP?
Do you know the AP and have you attempted to contact their significant other?

It doesn't sound like you've set some very hard boundaries yet, and you're not sure if he even wants this relationship. What do you want to happen?

Appreciate the response. I’ve confirmed with my WH and his AP that it was emotional only, not physical - if they’re to believed (which is sus). I did encourage his friendship with the AP - we both have friendships of the opposite sex and have never run into anything like this in the past. Again, I understand now that I have to take this with a grain of salt.

He has committed to no contact with the AP, and has willingly offered his phone. His AP does not have a significant other, so no one to contact there.

I want the relationship, but you’re right that I haven’t set any hard boundaries. What I want is for him to make a choice, but I fear that in his current state and as it stands, that will never happen if I keep being too light on him. I’m considering no contact for a period of time…

I have been in your exact situation where the Other Woman (OW) really wanted him to D me to be with her.

While my H told me about the affair like it was nothing, a few days later he announced he wants a D. So I understand you being blindsided more than once and in shock and disbelief.

Here are some tips or ideas based on my experience:

Your H has to prove to you he wants to be with you. Right now he might say those words but he’s clearly upset about losing the OW. He misses the excitement and ego boost etc. it’s not that he loved her - he loved how she makes him feel.

It’s new and exciting. She has not heard the same old stories and same old jokes and in the same routine. I had to tell my H that I was his 30 year relationship — not some 30 year old single person with no kids and no responsibilities. I refused to compete for his love or respect etc.

I’m going to say this b/c I truly believe it. Your H wasn’t unhappy until the OW came along. He was being denied the opportunity to have a relationship with her b/c he was married. So he decided to put his own selfish needs first and pursue her.

Funny how the cheater will choose to be loyal to the AP - not their spouse.

The only thing I can suggest is that you watch his actions and ignore his words. His actions will tell you everything. As an example, he may swear up and down that he wants to reconcile and get back together and keep the marriage intact, etc. However if he’s only calling you once a week and you’re having very mundane conversations and he’s not opening up or talking about some of the issues, then it would appear that his words and his actions do not align.

Read up on the affair fog because it will explain so much about his mindset right now.

I hope you can get your a better place and really start communicating how to make reconciliation easier and get to a place where you are both happy.

Appreciate your message! It does resonate with me. Question for you: did you do no contact with your husband, or did you maintain communication while he figured his life out?

Welcome to the club.

Stay golden,
I got the disconnect story too, crock of shit, he had to disconnect himself which in turn allowed him to grant himself permission to act a fool.
You didn’t do anything wrong here, you are in no way shape or form responsible for any of this.

He’s in la la land as my H would call it, since you are the only person living in reality now then my advice would be to let him know your expectations. Also I’m not sure you have everything here, I don’t believe his story and cheaters are fantastic at drip feeding the story which sounds best, ask him if he’s willing to take a polygraph, if he wants to fix this marriage there has to be a foundation.

Take care of yourself.