SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello! I've posted here before as the WS, but for those who haven't seen my post and want a summary, we still talk, and we're in a weird space right now. She still loves me as per our conversations, but there's a part of me that feels unworthy of that love, and is yelling at me to end things and give her a clean break, while justifying to myself that this is better for the both of us.

On the other hand, part of me wants to grab this chance at reconciliation, but I don't know how to start over from something that I deliberately broke. It's a different thing when you're the one being wronged, because starting over is a lot easier especially if the person who wronged you has no remorse whatsoever. But when you're the one that wronged her, there's this nagging feeling that she's better off without me, and trying to reconcile will just hurt both of us in the long run. I feel like I can't ask her for support on this one because well, I did her wrong.

I guess what I'm asking is, how do you know when it's time to part ways and when it's still worth fighting for? From our conversations, I'm getting the feeling she still wants me to fight for us, and she wants me to fix what I broke, but she won't take me back until I'm sure I confronted the ugliest parts of me. And part of me knows that road will be a long one, and I don't wanna break her heart again every time I fail in trying to be better.

[This message edited by smokyfidget at 10:41 PM, Wednesday, October 14th]

You are either brave enough to choose to do whatever it takes - therapy, making changes, doing your best everyday to put your marriage first and not just being present but listening and engaging, stopping all bad habits (drinking or gambling or porn or having no accountability, working too much etc.) OR you just decide you can’t do it or won’t do it and end all contact.

And from where I sit, having been down this road before, my experience tells me that you are not "all in" in the marriage. Because if you were, you would not need to ask those questions. They would be irrelevant because you would work yourself to the Nth degree to reconcile. And if it didn’t work, you would know you did your best.

You are playing the "what if" game and talking yourself out of trying to reconcile. So what if you make a mistake along the way? You regroup and get back on track. Is that so terrible? Do you think your wife is unforgiving and inhuman that she could not accept a bit of a backslide in the beginning?

Unless there is more to the story and you really just don’t want to give up certain things or have to make the changes she needs to Reconcile — then you might just be afraid to admit you just don’t want to try.

And if you don’t, that’s ok. It’s your choice. But then be honest and admit it to your wife.

I had similar thoughts very early on, but quickly realized that it was not some noble gesture from me setting my wife free, but rather another selfish choice that I would be making because reconciling would require me to work hard and make significant changes to fundamental parts of me. Ultimately these are changes that I needed to make regardless of whether my wife was willing to give me a chance vs something I was doing for her.

Reconciliation is hard. Really hard. I have often thought it is a much harder path than divorce and have had many days / nights where I wondered if I could keep doing the work. I have had to deal with childhood trauma (doing emdr right now to help), work through the shame spirals that are so easy for me to crash out on, sit with my wife in her grief when every instinct I have developed and honed for almost 50 years tells me to avoid, get completely sober, etc. I am very blessed that my wife is patient with me as I am still learning how to process everything.

I get that reconciliation is not for everyone and that is a decision either the BS or the WS can make. That said, I think any WS who has the chance owes it to themselves and their BS to go all in before waving the white flag. Really seems like the bare minimum for a WS who has been gifted the chance and ultimately will make them a better person.

I do totally get where you are coming from. Been down that rabbit hole in my head so no judgement.

Well - like The1stWife says - you either brave enough to do the hard - or you don't/wont.
If you choose the latter, at least be honest and say that you just don't have what it takes or want to do the hard work to repair things.

I may be projecting a bit here - but I remember telling WH early on, you were weak enough to have a LTA - if you want to end things at least be strong enough to tell me - don't just act like a horse's ass so I'll be the one to finally say enough is enough. I also told him that would just be the final mess of his I had to clean up - be man enough to clean up your own fucking mess.

Years alter and a LOT of hard work, we still together and thriving.

My FWH isn't here.....but he'd tell you to let go of the outcome. You're either going to do the work or not. And, even if you do, your BS may opt that it is just too much. There were never any guarantees in your marriage before the A....or you wouldn't have gone there.....and there definitely aren't any now.

That being said....if you do the work....and your BS does their work....you can build something better than you had before. And, if you both are for whatever reason unable to reconcile...you will have grown into a better version of yourself for doing that work. Only you both will know when it is time to call it. I think in some ways it is much harder to heal and stay in the marriage as the BS. After all, you're constantly being triggered by the person sleeping next to you each night. No grand gestures, no one time thing, is going to fix this. For me it was years of a million little things he did. Imperfectly, but with the intention to heal us. A million little things over several years. I had to learn not to attack him, despite him deserving every bit of my wrath. And he had to learn to open up to me in ways he hadn't in the past. We had to learn to work together, lean in together.

You BS likely does love you....and is also reeling. Not trusting you, not trusting themselves. I don't know your story, but it sounds like you might be in that first year or two post discovery.

You will fail. You are human. Your BS will not trust anything you say. Get used to sitting in the discomfort of this. Own it. For the love of all things holy, get yourself into IC and MC with someone who specialized in A recovery. We had great success with a Gottman trained MC. Show your BS what you're doing to be trustworthy and keep doing it even if they don't trust it.

Seeing how my FWH has fundamentally changed made me fall in love with him all over again. It has affected all aspects of our lives, with extended family, dealing with elderly parents, how we come together for our child and for each other. The patience my FWH has now....and ability to be present....is something I cherish.