SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unfortunately, things just keep getting worse. I’m sure many of you can relate. I trusted my WP when he said the affair was over and he wasn’t in contact with AP anymore. And then two days ago I found emails showing he is talking to her, and had booked flights to go see her. How fucking stupid of me to trust him, when he already betrayed my trust so fully.

We were trying to work through the betrayal and reconcile. Now that is up in the air. He is not sure if he wants me, and I am so hurt I am not sure if I should stay. Our 12 year anniversary is this weekend. He has been my person for half of my life. I can’t imagine life without him, but I also don’t know how I can heal from this. We have been trying for years for kids, including years of IVF. But I just turned 40. I know the odds are already stacked against me, so it also feels like I’m not only losing him, but losing this last chance to be a parent.

Meanwhile, life just keeps on going. I am fortunate to have a good job, and have been taking sick days here and there, but work just piles up. I have a pretty person-facing job, so I have to constantly put on a happy face and act like everything is fine, which is exhausting. I feel like I barely have the capacity to fold laundry right now, much less be a functioning employee.

How did you all manage to keep going through the day-to-day motions? Did you share what has happening with your boss at all? Go on medical leave? Just power through?

[This message edited by Shrug6645 at 4:13 PM, Friday, August 28th]

Gently, you experienced a 2nd d-day. IMO, the most important question you need to answer is: do you want him?

You're the prize. He isn't. You didn't fail. He did. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I'm really sorry you're in this sitch.

I kept my focus on what I wanted and its feasibility. I was forced to move my body to some extent, and I knew I had to drink water. Food, though, and sleep ... I went with my flow.

We also had a great MC who was also my W's IC.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:56 PM, Friday, August 28th]

Be his choice, not his option, because the first is love and the second is an insult.

I have to admit, I was a much worse employee for a while there. I didn’t have the internal capacity to be my best self, not even close. I suppose I found the bare minimum and kept up with that and did a bit of white knuckling. It’s really hard.

How fucking stupid of me to trust him, when he already betrayed my trust so fully.

You are not stupid, you are just human. A ton of us have done the same, you are doing your best to make a path forward in an impossibly difficult situation. This is not the time to be criticizing yourself like that.

I can’t imagine life without him, but I also don’t know how I can heal from this.

You can absolutely heal, pinky swear 🤙🏼It’s a long, hard journey, but the pain and darkness are temporary.

You don’t have to figure out what the future will be right now. You don’t have to decide if you want to stay married on anyone’s timeline but your own. Take care of yourself, let the shock calm down, figure out what you want from there.

Best wishes.

When it comes to the question of having a baby, I totally understand the importance this holds, especially having been through lots of fertility treatments. I would caution about making it part of your decision of whether to stay in this relationship. There are other routes to becoming a parent, and having been through my husband being unfaithful while I was pregnant and postpartum, I would choose planned single parenthood over that absolutely any day.

I also have a people-facing job that needs my emotions to be under control. It really did affect my career, unfortunately, as I had to drop various projects. I had to be signed off sick when I first found out about his affair, and later had to tell my Manager what was going on because I needed her to understand what I was dealing with and some accommodations recommended by occupational health (I had never done any of this before and it felt really difficult, but was necessary). She was very understanding and the conversation went much better than I was expecting. I don't know your employer, but if you do decide to share some of what you're dealing with, it might go better than you think. Good luck.

Dear shrug .
You are not stupid .. 12 years is a long time of course you would want to trust and believe that this person wouldn’t betray you, especially a second time. I am only 35 but I have also had the same feelings about it being my last chance to have children if I do leave my partner. The person above is correct though, it would be worse to have a kid with someone who isn’t treating you well. There is still hope to have kids in your 40s and if not you could find another pathway , adoption or foster. I’m not super religious but I do believe that god has a plan for us that we never know how it’s going to work out. But it’s hard to reconcile your image of the future you wanted with the current feelings of betrayal. That is what I am going through too. It’s like giving up on your dream. Or being forced to give up on it . Literally idk how to keep going either I just keep putting one foot in front of the other , trying to distract myself when I can , but a lot of days I just sleep all day. My house is a mess. But what I do know that is however it turns out, you will eventually feel better. I even put a note in my calendar a month from d day that says "do you feel a little better yet ?" Because I know it will be hard but we will somehow someday begin feeling like ourselves again. Right now you don’t have to make a decision - you are in shock. But you should detach a little bit. Don’t beg him or plead with him or even get him to try and see your point of view. Focus only on taking care of yourself and you can observe what he does in the meantime and make your decision from there .

At the time of my DDay, I was a cashier in a very busy store that everyone knows, so obviously face to face with hundreds of customers daily. Honestly, it was my salvation. I totally compartmentalized my sitch at home, and tried to just focus on work while at work. I did semi-mention what was going on to a co-worker, and she ran that info right to my slightly higher-up manager the weekend I found out, and that manager did take me off of my till and sent me out into the store to fold clothes. I wasn't mad about it as just doing something mindless wasn't exactly the worst thing for me at the time but being in front of the customers was ok for me, too.

I did have to go to my actual supervisor eventually because I needed a specific day/time off weekly for therapy. I didn't really get into my specifics, just said that I was newly separated and I NEEDED therapy. When you work in retail, it's all about the needs of the business, I get that, and I am grateful to this day that she said ok, what do you need, and made sure I got it as long as I needed it.

I'm sad to hear that really you were trying to work through the betrayal and reconcile. He certainly wasn't. He is not currently a candidate for reconciliation, I'm afraid. Nor is he a candidate to be a father to your children! As others have said, perhaps your journey just looks different, and isn't necessarily your last chance.

Since I am self-employed with no employees I just had to keep moving forward with work. About 4 days after D-Day I remember sitting on the floor at a job site looking around at all of the work I needed to do and I honestly contemplated picking up my tools and just abandoning the project and the customer. If you knew anything about me you would understand this is the exact opposite of who I am when it comes to my work ethic. But my brain was just beyond overloaded

So I picked up my phone and called a friend who is a fellow electrician and when he answered I just said I need help and in an instant he knew something was wrong so he asked what's wrong, what's going on?

I told him about the affair and told him I am drowning on this job site and I don't know what to do. He asked for the address and said I am working close by and I will come over when I get off work. He walked in, I showed him where I was and what needed to be done and he stayed for a couple of hours and then said I will come here after work each day and Saturday and Sunday if necessary to help you

He took control and I pretty much became his assistant and it was exactly what I needed because I just couldn't focus.

I think all of us feel like fools for a while. I remember thinking how could I be so blind? I remember doing the Pick Me dance. I remember being afraid to say or do anything that might upset her out of fear that she would tell me the relationship is over and I'm going to be with my AP.

It took a while to break out of the Pick Me dance mindset. But once you do so, once you do the 180, life becomes much better, at least it did for me. Once I was able to accept the fact that I am in control of nothing other than myself life became much easier. When I accepted the reality that an affair is a possibility in every relationship from day one till the relationship ends or someone dies, life became easier. I'm sure this sounds incredibly jaded and pessimistic to some but in hindsight that's reality.

The question I ask of you is, is he the type of man that you think would make a great father figure?

I cannot begin to understand your feelings on the possibility of not becoming a mother due to age and I am truly sorry and on top of this you discover his infidelity, not once but twice.

Are you open to the idea of adoption?