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I don't know if this is something that can really be answered. A BS needs what they need and that may be a very individual thing. Personally I don't really care about the details as long as I know it happened. The details don't do anything for me - well, I take that back, unless it's a FINANCIAL DETAIL because the amount of relative money spent on her vs me....that would mean something but not the location, etc. But it might mean a great deal to someone else. It might help to make the betrayal more "real" as opposed to some kind of almost like a nightmare you can't wake up from. Maybe it's a way of putting limits around it....this happened HERE....but not THERE. It might help them to understand what this mean to you , how you were experiencing this. I think there are a lot of reasons someone might want to know these things, I think all you can do is ask her what it means to her to know and see if she has a answer. Frankly, I suspect it may be better not to know a lot of details, but everyone is different. I would ask her what the details mean to her or what they do for her and then try to provide them if you can.

The details matter for a lot of reasons. As a cheater, I did not believe they were important, however the intricacies of where, when, who...and why are a big part. These rendezvous were planned, coordinated and executed outside the marriage. It is a reflection of how much effort we put into the affair and frankly how little we cared about our marriage. For my BH, that is why he cared about the details. It is all part of the tangled web of lies we created and the sh#t sandwich we forced our spouse to consume.

I think the details are very important. They each represent an aspect of a relational wound. By opening them up, it gives the betrayer an opportunity to first see the depths of their deceit, take accountability, mourn it, and make amends. For the betrayed, it gives them knowledge that they know their reality. It gives them the opportunity to express the wounds inflicted by the detail, and in turn gives the betrayer something to make amends to the wounded.

The more they cover it and amend it, the less power it begins to have over time.

Among other reasons, it is a control thing. You’ve been in control of that information for many many years, and now she wants control. She gets to decide what is and is not important, not you.

Knowledge is power and power is control. One of the key things in recovery from the trauma you’ve given her is that she be in control. Never let yourself be the information filter.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 7:23 PM, Sunday, March 29th]

The details matter for a lot of reasons. As a cheater, I did not believe they were important, however the intricacies of where, when, who...and why are a big part. These rendezvous were planned, coordinated and executed outside the marriage. It is a reflection of how much effort we put into the affair and frankly how little we cared about our marriage. For my BH, that is why he cared about the details. It is all part of the tangled web of lies we created and the sh#t sandwich we forced our spouse to consume.

Precisely.
Wayward doesn’t focus on details for different reasons:
- the matter is the the emotional high and thrill of the affair , not reality (grounding it in reality would destroy the meaningfulness of the affair itself, so during it you do, do not think about what)
- every action is covered by lies, in the very moment you do ‘the details’ you are likely inventing a story and a lie to cover it up. How the mind works those things will overlap when you come back to your senses
- post affair fog there is the shame. Wayward would want to forget, erase what is been done. The mental defense mechanism is to compartmentalize and remove

There was effort in making it happen then effort in "getting over it" hoping for it to be forgiven and forgotten.
That might be why the cheater doesn’t like to go over details (in part at least).

The wayward has to relive that version of them who destroyed both their partner, the relationship and who assassinated the version of themselves who would never do something that sordid. Since nothing of those will ever come back, there is pain and resistance in going over.

For the Bs is important because
- is reclaiming agency
- getting closure about the misfact
- is a test, a test of trust, seeing if you can get honesty and slowly rebuild trust with your betrayer

The conflict of interests is real.
One partner does not care and wish those actions are erased from their life, because they killed what was before.
The other partner needs to know because is a critical step into burying the old relationship and possibly laying the groundwork for rebuilding something new over its grave.

Painful for both, but is a valley of thorns that you both must walk through

Details can also deeply matter because until a "sufficient" level of details has been revealed (this is subjective to each betrayed), there’s still a degree of intimacy existing between the AP and the betrayal victim. The disclosure of all details, to the level that satisfies the particular betrayed, destroys that evil intimacy with the AP. No longer are these details the sole & intimate possession of betrayer and AP.

And that’s a good thing.