SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Did you ever hear back from the other guy’s spouse? It’s critical that she knows now - your wife moving out could be coordinated. He could be transferring money out and doing other shady things. She really, really needs to know.

Hi Sharkman,

"Did you ever hear back from the other guy’s spouse? It’s critical that she knows now - your wife moving out could be coordinated. He could be transferring money out and doing other shady things. She really, really needs to know."

No, I didnt. It's possible she was out of the office etc yesterday I guess or junk filters intervened. I could of course have the wrong person, but there's lot of coincidences if I am wrong.

My wife hugely remorseful, numb, conselling arranged (and is now openly accepting that she needs to speak to someone), we've agreed to work through things and she's told him she needs space (to which he replied that she needs to focus on me and the kids. Its possible that this means he has realised he needs to do the same at his end, but upside is that it might shut that down from both directions). I know everyone will say that she could be lying but she knows the pain this has caused me, and turmoil its causing her. I can predict the comments that this will bring but I can only do what I feel is right based on the situation on teh ground unfortunately

[This message edited by AB1978 at 11:01 AM, Tuesday, September 16th]

Telling him she needs space is far from saying the affair is over, there shall be zero contact between us.

She also needs to delete his contact info, block him everywhere, give you all of her passwords, give you full access to all of her devices, and delete the messaging apps.

Does she and he have IPhones? FYI: IPhone to IPhone texts do not go thru your cellular provider (ask me how I learned this :/ ) Not sure if that works the same way where you are.

Unless she is definitively stating to him and you that the affair is over AND taking deliberate actions (actions carry much more weight) to demonstrate that the affair is over, it's not.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 11:51 AM, Tuesday, September 16th]

^^^^^^^^ This

Sorry in advance or the 2x4. Unless your WW sends him a no contact message and blocks him everywhere, she is still deep in the A. She is keeping her options open and you as safe fall back. You can’t nice her back by. Full stop. You may think you’re taking the high road here, but really, you’re just rug sweeping and enabling her.

This is perfect. So dedicate 100% of your resources to finding and talking to his wife. As in it’s the most urgent issue by a significant margin.

Telling her is obviously the ethical and strategic move. From a strategy perspective once you tell his wife you’ll know if your wife is really No Contact by if/when she finds out. I’d have divorce papers waiting for her the instant that she mentions it to you. It’s time to nip this crap in the bud and stop her abuse cycle towards you.

This is THE tool in your toolbag at the moment. She can’t know about it, but it should be on your hand at this very moment. Call her, visit her. Do whatever you can.

It’s also clean you want to shut it down in both directions. Are you really banking on two admitted cheaters to tell the truth about this? His spouse is the ONLY way that you can get that.

AB,

So you did 1 and 3. Good.

But now you’re doing 4, waiting to see if it will fizzle out.

But worse, you are now hoping that the OBS will do what you are unwilling to do. That is put your foot down.

And even if this works, if OBS is successful in getting her husband in line, you will be left believing that your wife is with you not because she wants to be, but because you were her only option. She found herself stuck with you.

And if that’s the way she feels, she might not quit looking.

Ever read/watch "Bridges of Madison County"?

Synopsis: cheating wife stays with husband but pines for lover the rest of her life.

Don’t wind up with that wife.

Best wishes.

(to which he replied that she needs to focus on me and the kids. Its possible that this means he has realised he needs to do the same at his end, but upside is that it might shut that down from both directions).

Sounds to me like he is the one who intercepted the message that you sent to OBS. JMHO.

I was coming to post exactly what sharkman already did. You’ll know when the info reaches the OBS, because you’ll hear an earful from your WW.

I totally agree with the logical assumption that his wife didn’t get the message.
If his wife has gotten the message there is likely to be a reaction.
That reaction will be any one of or a combination of:
She reaches out to you – either to ask you to leave her in peace or for further info.
He reaches out to your wife to let her know his marriage is over.
He reaches out to your wife in anger to let her know what you did.
He tells your wife that it’s over.

Of course, if he contacts you directly (or his wife) you know they know. If not, then the reaction is through your wife. At the very least you will notice a mood swing, more likely she will confront you directly about contacting him. It won’t be some White Knight like statement like "alas – we have to sacrifice our life together and you must focus on your family".

I want to really stress a couple of things regarding the importance of OMW knowing:
IF it leads to the end of his marriage then there is no excuse for your wife not to choose him OTHER THAN she wants you and your marriage. It forces the issue. Our collective experience here indicates that in about 8/10 instances where the WS really has the option to leave the family they don’t. However – by you telling her she is free to do so – she can never claim that she had no option or was forced to remain.
IF it leads to her leaving you... that’s a couple of years saved. Then this is an exit affair, and it’s to your advantage to have that truth on the table ASAP.

Right, here we are:

- blocks done!
- counselling started (including me)!
- wife hugely remorseful

So thanks for all the input. The main thing which landed from guidance on here early on was that it was better to confront the issue head-on rather than my thinking of other tactical, indirect routes. I appreciate the various people who guided me in that direction as in hind-sight it was definitely the right thing to do and the other routes would have been long drawn out routes which would have created more complications.

Without wanting to tempt fate, I feel that we're moving in the right direction now and on a journey back upwards. Wife's depression (she's cratered after me confronting her - I know people won't have sympathy) is also going to take a while to resolve, but she realises that she's been an idiot so moving in the right direction.

I'm going to hope that this is my final post ever on here and don't need to come back, but I wanted to make one final post to send my appreciation for you invisible-internet-people taking the time to reply and provide thoughts based on your experience. Thank you.

Good to hear and good luck in moving on.
I do however recommend you keep this site open and maybe move on to the reconciliation forum.

SI can be compared to a hospital in a busy city. Just Found Out is the ER department where we do triage and stop the bleeding. If you survive the initial pain you get transferred to the appropriate ward. Maybe Reconciliation is the Rehabilitation Ward, while Divorce/separation is the Oncology Ward where the cancer is removed.

AB1978 I wish you and your W the best, but the work has just began. You and your W have a long journey back from infidelity, as Bigger said we are here for you as we move from the ER.

You have many phases ahead of you. You ARE still in the shock phase, when it wears off and you see the reality of things, you will hit the anger phase, you will have triggers and mind movies. We are here for you, it’s not the end it’s the beginning.