SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. After a 14 year on and off again affair, I believe I have finally gotten my head out of my ass. I had confessed once before at the 2 year mark, and BH forgave me. I did NC for a year or so but then the backsliding started about 6 moths later. Sometimes an emotional affair. Sometimes more. Most of it on our phones and not in person, but I know it does not matter. It is still wrong. There have been periods of weeks, months or even years in between depending on the break. The triggers range from all of my own undealt with bulls*@$*t and cowardice, to my BH's addictions (which justify NOTHING on my part but do serve as a trigger.)

After my BH found a suspicious text a month ago, I decided to go back to the one therapist who had started to help me to get to the root of my behavior. I successfully began NC right then and there. It has been about a month. Blocked everywhere. Seeing my therapist. Leaning on friends. Journaling. Trying to unpack why and how I allowed this into our life, and what I can do moving forward to repair what I can and to live as a decent person. I do know it starts with honesty and courage and no excuses on my part.

Here is the dilemma I am wrestling with right now: My BH does not know that *I know he saw my phone. He is acting like nothing happened. My instinct is to bust it all open and talk but I don't know if this is the right thing to do because he is so avoidant about it, and obviously my instincts and impulses have failed me in the past or we would not be going through this problem I caused in the first place.

I could just come right out and say "I believe you saw my phone, and I would like to talk about what you saw." But is this cruel? Am I making it about what I want and need instead of what is right for him? He does not want to talk about it and says he does not know what I am talking about when I begin to talk about it. He says he trusts me. He says "Everything is fine." But it is clearly not. So we are playing this game. He wants no specifics. Maybe he just wants to move forward or deny it all to himself, but the hurt in his eyes makes it clear that he is struggling. He is in survival mode. Rightfully, he does not trust me and could possibly be afraid I will just lie, which is worse for him than slogging through it. I don't know. I am just guessing here.

If I maintain NC, if I continue to work in therapy, and if I focus my marriage and on being the wife I should have been all along is this enough, or is this also selfish? Those things are what I am choosing to do regardless of whether we talk about things in detail. That is the only thing I am sure of right now now. In the mean time, it feels like there is this boulder between us, but when I go to even broach the subject he just shuts down. Has anyone been through this? What is the right thing to do?

[This message edited by dlvp at 2:26 PM, Sunday, July 27th]

I think that being involved in an affair for 14 years, even on and off, is remarkable. It's a parallel relationship. It's like you were keeping 2 husbands. I don't know what is going on with him, of course, but if you want to have anything resembling an actual, "normal" marriage, you HAVE to talk to him. Neither of you really knows the other - he doesn't know what you do with this second husband - and I am using that term deliberately because I consider this a parallel marriage, maybe it fulfills different needs or desires you have but they are things you are going to this other man for that you don't go to your legal husband for. Your husband doesn't know or understand this relationship or why you do this or what you are getting met with this other man, or how you feel or what has been going on with you for 14 years. Nor do you know what he feels about you or marriage or anything for the same period. You're both living a facade. For some people a facade, unfortunately is enough, but that's their choice. It sounds like you have reached a point where you want to be genuine and have a genuine relationship. To do that, YOU HAVE TO DISCUSS THIS. If you don't, you are both going to continue to be fake people in a fake marriage. Or...a parallel relationship as I say. He's obviously avoidant for whatever reasons, but I really think you need to break the ice here. Once you break the ice and bring this out into the open, then you both can start dealing with this and finding out what each of you wants in marriage and life. It might be this relationship or it might not be, but neither of you will know until you start talking. Obviously be prepared for any reaction including refusal to discuss, but I would keep on it because....how you can keep 14 years of a parallel relationship in a closet somewhere. It's like bodies in the crawl space, it has to come out. Good luck!

No Stop Sign.

If you ever want true intimacy, you must talk about it and work through these issues. It is doing no one service. Sure, on the outside he may be able to be avoidant and pretend it does exist ...but is this really helping him live to the fullest extent he can? No .....

Maybe he needs to learn to value himself...maybe he needs to learn to not live in fear of confrontation....maybe he needs new coping skills, etc, etc. Bottom line, he likely needs to grow as a person. Of course, you do too. You need to come to grips with what has really been going on...how severely this man has been disrespected and taken for granted....even abused. Once faced, you can know real forgiveness and grace and freedom. Yes...talk about it. Learn to live, learn to live. And I always say, ask God to help you navigate this...and ask Him for the paths of forgiveness...after all....He designed marriage. 🙏

Take this at face value, but as a BS myself, I never pressured my WW to do anything, but oh did I observe everything she did, and did not do. Perhaps your husband is waiting to see if you will come forward with the information he already knows. It would make a huge leap towards being honest in my world, and continued honesty builds trust. I knew things my wife never offered up and that was one of the things that continued the erosion of our marriage.

IDK ... I suspect that conflict avoidance is a significant part of every A. I believe that doing something new & different is essential to R. That means addressing and resolving conflicts is a crucial part of R & M. IOW, To Reconcile AND to advance a marriage, one has to accept that conflicts will occur.

The main reason I never cheated is that I did not want to deal with my W's finding out about it. I would not want to be in a marriage in which my partner kept betrayal secret, so my opinion is: talk with your H.

If he's in an active addiction, his addiction is probably mor important to him than his M is. Be prepared for a response that is pretty dysfunctional. A partner in an active addiction is not an excuse for an A, but it is a potential reason for D.

He may be refusing to discuss it because he's deciding whether to file for divorce (or is already in the process) and doesn't want to tip his hand before he's ready. That would be a reasonable response to learning that your affair went underground for over a decade. If you're asking why he wouldn't tell you openly that he's getting ready to leave, ask yourself why you hid your affair. You don't have much grounds for expecting open communication within your marriage when your husband sees your text to another man.

If that were the case, what would you do?