SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m coming up on 21 months since dday, and doing a quick reflection on year 2 — you were right … year 2 is absolutely the worst! Honestly, I just want to fast forward a few months and skip out of this place altogether.

I’m trying to adjust to my "new normal" — I guess that’s what people call it? But in a lot of ways, I’m still struggling to actually move forward. I’ve been stuck mentally in those first six months after dday, and I can’t seem to leave these memories or this time where it belongs — in the past. I still find myself bringing up my H’s infidelity every day, even though I know it’s not productive "talk." I make little digs or comments daily and not to open up a real conversation, but just a reminder of what he’s done. I need him to remember that he destroyed his family — for nothing.

Here’s the kicker … I don’t even want to talk about it. I’ve lived and breathed this for almost two years — I don’t want to keep reliving it every day. But when I don’t bring it up, it feels like I’m somehow "moving on," even though I’m still so deep in it. Does that make sense?

How do I adjust to this weird, in-between phase? I’m way past the initial shock, I’ve accepted that it happened, I know I can’t change it, I haven’t had any new questions in well over a year, etc. I feel like I’ve gotten the full picture or at least as much of it as I’ll ever have. I really have no need, no desire to sit in that space — yet it’s like I force myself too.

I still feel so stuck and weird about this "new normal." Kinda like, "oh hey, remember the time you cheated on me with your ugly, old, coworker, who on any other terms you wouldn’t be caught dead with and then in return you destroyed your family’s lives for nothing — remember that little blimp in the marital journey." Like, F me.

To put it bluntly, this "new normal" sucks — I hate it. It feels like I/him/we haven’t really done deep repair or healing work in year 2 — we’ve just kinda stalled and seem to be coasting from day to day. I don’t know how to get unstuck from here. Suggestions on how to finish year 2 on more of a productive note and head into year 3 with more intention.

I think you’re not sure he loves you.

And you might be right.

Maybe this is the talk you need to have with him.

Either he has to convince you he loves you, or you have to accept that he doesn’t and decide what to do.

His being "safe" isn’t enough.

But I’ll add this:

You have posted before that men and women process betrayal differently, and I think that’s correct. In your female mind, you can’t imagine how he could cheat if he loved you. But I think virtually every therapist, every researcher, and many men agree that cheating men often remain very much in love with their wives.

And now you’re thinking, "Well, that’s not a definition of ‘love’ that I accept."

Maybe what he feels as love for you is all you can ever hope for. He’s a man, and men are idiots.

I appreciate your perspective, but the issue isn’t me wondering if he loves me. As weird as it sounds, even after everything that’s happened, I do believe he loves me … probably more than I’ve ever loved him (if I’m being honest).

If he didn’t, I believe he would’ve left right after dday. He wouldn’t have immediately crawled back begging me to make things right. He jumped through the fire, he did a pretty good job at facing and taking accountability for his mess, and he did some really really hard things to prove he would do anything — all while knowing I’m a very strong willed woman and would most likely make things very difficult.

For me, the struggle isn’t questioning whether he loves me, but more reconciling how someone can love you and still betray you in such a massive way. That part still messes with my head. I’ve read a lot about how men compartmentalize, and yeah, maybe their version of love doesn’t always align with how women define it, but I still believe his feelings are real because it’s a gut feeling and my gut hasn’t let me down yet.

The part I’m stuck on now is how weird it feels to not be in the "thick" of the betrayal anymore. For the longest time it was all-consuming … confusion, chaos, survival mode and now, even though I hate what happened, I can see and breathe a little more clearly. But weirdly enough, that brings its own discomfort.

It feels weird to be past that stage where everything was on fire and my entire world was turned upside down. Now that things are starting to "settle," I’m realizing I have no idea how to exist in this phase. Life starts creeping back in with routines, responsibilities, even moments of peace and it feels off, like I’m somehow betraying my own pain by participating in "normal" life again. I don’t know how to be present in this space, where I’m still carrying the damage, but also knowing that it’s time to start making that shift and adjust to some version of moving forward.

That’s where I feel lost — not in doubting his feelings, but in figuring out how to function in this new reality.

I was in your shoes. Exactly at the same point and I agree year 2 was worse than year 1.

I still had my very excellent therapist so that saved me from my snide sarcastic side coming out.

And I could see my H was doing everything possible to make amends.

But I was drowning. And miserable. And like you I questioned if he loved me so damn much why was he planning to kick me to the curb and do it in such a mean underhanded sneaky way?

You have to stop and tell yourself this - you CANNOT make sense out of irrational behavior. Stop trying.

I think I expected my H to be apologizing every damn day for the rest of his existence. And when he stopped I was unsure if he really understood the trauma he caused me. I know NOW (12 years later he really gets that aspect) but I wasn’t sure he understood it 2 years or 3 years after dday2.

To reference a post in another thread, there are so many layers in healing. Some people are healed (I’m not saying fully healed but there has been healing) to the point that 1 year after Dday things are better.

And then there are people who things are not better 2 years after Dday in terms of healing.

How did I get myself out of the rut? How did I stop thinking and waiting to feel better? How did I move on?

First I realized (3 years sfter Dday) that I had to heal myself. I had to change my thinking. I had to just really let a lot of the crap go.

Why? Because the more I remained stuck in the past the more the OW got what she wanted. The more unhappy I was the more I was letting the cheaters "win".

Second, I started putting myself first. I started a business. A side business for me - which was pretty successful. Covid caused it to shut down but I then started my current company. Even more successful. I took on the challenge for me.

Third - I stopped worrying about the marriage, his happiness etc. and started putting that energy into my life.

It took me another year but I can honestly say it was worth it. I healed and in year 4 after Dday I was much much happier than I had been.

If your H is doing everything he can to make amends, sadly the rest is on you.

It took me until year 6 to forgive my H b/c he was planning to D me, and that’s more than just an affair. I was being kicked to the curb for the much younger OW. Funny how the two or three times I told him he could go and be with her b/c the marriage was over, he begged me to reconcile.

Only to have him continue to cheat.

Hope this helps you.

I think I wrote something very similar around the same time line as you.

Focus on you, your healing and recovery. Forget about reconciliation, your marriage or what the future may bring. Focus on you and what brings you joy.

I've longed believed, and still do, that every betrayed spouse in R has to get as comfortable as possible with both R and D. It's the only way, I think, to give yourself the peace of mind to make the best choice.

In year 3, I often imagined myself divorced, free to do whatever I wanted. I started focusing on me, my hobbies and interests. I even flirted a little here and there, just for the ego-kibbles.

Focus on you, your recovery and healing. Whether you reconcile or divorce, recovery and healing is long, long road. More often than not, it seems, the journey itself is the greatest reward.

Find your own peace, for in this crazy ass world, it is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves.