also back again
I am back again, and sometimes I wonder how many of these topics and headings there are because it feels like we keep circling the same pain.
A few years ago I became more active on the forum, then life happened and I slowly drifted away again. The problem is that even though time passed, nothing really changed. We still feel stuck and I honestly do not know how to move forward anymore.
I feel like I have done everything the forum usually suggests, but we are still battling with the same core issues.
For example, I acknowledge now that I did not tell my husband everything on D-Day. Years later, after joining this forum and reading more, I realised I was wrong for withholding details. I eventually did a full timeline with as much detail as I could honestly remember.
The fights are not always about the affair details themselves anymore. Now it is more about the fact that I chose not to tell him everything from the beginning.
His view is that if I truly loved him, I would have come to him voluntarily and disclosed everything immediately. My perspective at the time was very different. In my mind, admitting that I had sex with another man already felt like the absolute worst thing imaginable. I genuinely thought withholding some details was better and would spare him more pain. It was not until much later, after reading here, that I understood why full disclosure mattered so much.
So now we are stuck in this place where the argument is not necessarily about the details anymore, but about the fact that I withheld them in the first place.
How do I respond to that in a way that helps instead of making things worse?
The second issue is probably the most difficult and confusing one for us. When I say that I made a mistake, my husband becomes angry and says it was not a mistake because a mistake happens once, while the affair involved repeated choices.
In my mind, when I say "mistake," I mean that the entire affair was the biggest mistake of my life. In his mind, calling it a mistake minimizes the fact that it involved repeated conscious decisions.
I understand now that it was a series of wrong choices, but we seem to get stuck in a battle over the words "mistake" versus "choice."
Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you explain the difference without sounding like you are avoiding accountability?
0 comment posted: Tuesday, May 19th, 2026
WW asking help from BS
As a WW I feel like I do not deserve to ask help/questions etc.
But here I go anyway.
I am one of those, that come and go. Due to time restriction and emotional issues - or whatever.
Anyway, as per my other posts - you will see it is going on for 13 ears. My BS just doesn't cope. I do not know what more to do. If I agree and tell him I was wrong I did wrong and I am sorry etc. Then he says I am having a pity party or Sorry doesn't fix anything.
If I suggest we get a divorce as I will be happy without having a whore as a wife, then he says I want to run away and not face the consequences.
Yes I was at fault - in summary
On D.day I resigned with immediate effect. (as it was a co-worker)
I had no contact with AP at all in all this time
I answered BS questions (this caused more issues as in my mind I told him the worst (that I had sex with AP) I confirmed the when where how etc.
more than 10 years later (after visiting the forum) I gave him the full timeline - now he doesn't believe me - this I get and understand.
BS is expecting something from me - and I do not know what. He tells me I do not do anything. The admit quilt, the empathy, and sympathy (all the to do as per the healing library) are not working - When I ask him what he expects of me, then he can not answer. (as he doesn't know himself)
It just feels like he expects me to erase the past - if that was possible.
Any advise please
69 comments posted: Saturday, March 16th, 2024
Question to BS re intimacy....?
How (if ever) do you get over "mind movies"?
How if ever do you make love to your WS?
How if ever do you kiss, hug or just touch, your WS again......
It's been 14 years and BH still struggling with above.
He keeps on saying it will never be special again ðŸ˜
28 comments posted: Friday, January 12th, 2024
anybody on this forum that have successfully reconciled for more than 15 or 20 years?
just want to know.....
21 comments posted: Friday, March 10th, 2023
I have "blood on my hands"
Adulterers are scum of the earth. We are damaged, used goods, not good enough for anything.
In 12 years EVERYTHING that goes wrong IS MY FAULT BECAUSE I CHEATED.
If we are stuck in traffic - my fault. If we are late - my fault. If the dog pee - my fault. Flat tyre - wrinkles - cholesterol - yes it is all my fault.
We lost our rights as human beings because at some point in our life we made the wrong choice/s.
I am not making any excuses but fuck can I just get a break and feel like anything other than shit. But no, I am not allowed to because of what I did and now I am being selfish again. Because I do not know how my BS feels, ALL THE TIME. I am also not allowed to "get a break"
I have "blood on my hands" that will never wash off.......
22 comments posted: Friday, December 23rd, 2022
Reconciliation: what does it actually mean
I googled the meaning of Reconciliation but would like the members on the forum to explain to me what this means, in practicality.
Myself and BS talked and I am reading to him all these books and posts and and and and he asked me this question after I once again said, maybe this will help. He asked me help with what? What do I expect to achieve?
I am reading and everybody say basically life as you know it will never be the same. You will never had what you had before (On this BH say that when I had it, I did not want it and throu it away and he will never give it back) So what is the purpose to reconcile for the BS?
Myself as WW understand why and what I want back what I had and struggle knowung I will never have it back.
11 comments posted: Tuesday, December 13th, 2022
12 Years after D day .....
I wish I discovered this forum YEARS ago. Maybe I would have had answers by now.
12 years after D-day, still feel like everything came out only yesterday.
BS lives in a constant "hurt, hate, and angry" state of mind. Anything and everything "triggers" those emotions. He does keep on asking why life is so unfair. Why do we have to go through all this shit, hurt, anger, etc., and the AP (he was not married or in a relationship at the time, we were co-workers. I resigned immediately after D-Day and never saw AP again) but this resulted in us going through some financial difficulties. BS feels like (his words: Prince charming who got what he wanted, driving off on his horse with all the "bragging rights' ' – never to face anything. Currently AP is married and from what we could gather and live "the live" aboard, while we are still stuck. BS "believe" if he can just hurt him as much as he was hurt, that he must also experience how it is to suffer, to lose everything that matters – EVERY WAKING MOMENT.
He has days that he just gets lost in his head where he continues "fantasizing" about justice. Not a nice picture, blood, and guts - The more horrific, crueler the better.
Does anybody relate to this? Will it ever go away?
69 comments posted: Saturday, December 10th, 2022
