SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I am feeling stuck (again).

We are 10 months out from DDay (5 months from 2nd DDay). Details in my story.

I feel I am doing all I can. IC, radical honesty, being supportive, avoiding triggers as much as I can. My time is fully committed to my BS and children, with the exception of work (I am reducing my hours at work as well, so I have to go to the office less) etc. I am doing the internal work. I am no perfect, but believe me every fibre of my body is focused on recovering and reconciling. I also try to do pleasant things for us as a couple.

My BS feels I am doing nothing. He says that me being loving and caring doesn’t address what I have done. He sees the same person. Even if I have taken full accountability, he feels it’s superficial. He doesn’t see any radical change. He says I was always nice. That I have shown I can be fully committed for long periods and then betray. He is open to reconciling, but he doesn’t see me doing what is needed.

I asked him what I could do more and the answer includes things like "addressing what you have done", "restore justice", etc.

My BS in a heated moment also told me I behave like I am not the "CEO of reconciliation" but an "employee waiting instructions".

I don’t understand what I am missing. I am willing. I want to do more, I am open to do whatever.

He asked me to get a journal where I write every day what I am doing to reconcile. And things like "being supportive / relieving him of house chores / being nice" don’t count.

And although I feel my mind is overloaded all the time and my time is fully dedicated to the family, if I think about the journal my mind gets blank - like I am really not doing much. Or what I am doing is not "tangible" or visible (e.g. I let go of all resentment..)

How did you move from this?

I know the timeframe is 2 to 5 years. I am not impatient, I am fine with more time as well. But my BS says things will not change by just waiting more. If I don’t address things now, nothing will change.

We do have the occasional nice day. The occasional confrontational days. But now the majority is these "grey days". Cold days.

Please note this post is to help me reflect on my own behaviour and what I can do more.

I know no one here can tell me what to do. But if you have any advice on how to move and grow from this, I d be so grateful. Or if you went through this dynamic.

I admit I am feeling low. It’s like everyday what I did hits me more, and the task keeps getting bigger and bigger. I do feel "paralysed" sometimes (adding this for context)

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 12:32 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

LonelyGuilty

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. The truth is, it is year one, and the pain is so overwhelming for your BS. His entire world was crushed, and right now, he is unable to trust anyone or anything. The person that was supposed to have his back... stabbed him in the back instead. Nothing feels real to him anymore, nothing feels safe... not you, not even himself.

Do this. Go to the market, and purchase the loveliest, fanciest cake they have in the bakery. Now bring that home, and place it on a carpeted floor. Next, go get the muddiest pair of boots you own, and then stomp that cake into the rug for about an hour.

Now, make the cake edible again.

As WS's, we often have this fantasy that somehow, we can save the cake we just stomped on. But the truth is, we can't. It doesn't matter what you do, what you say, how you act, or even why... the cake is gone. It can't be saved. And while I know this seems obvious, it often isn't. Our hope remains.

Nothing you do right now will be enough to "make it okay". To be honest, it is likely that even your spouse is unsure what it would take right now for him to feel as though whatever you are doing "is enough", because nothing puts the cake back together. Right now, he (rightfully) sees you as the most selfish person in the world. He saw you put yourself and your wants/needs ahead of him entirely, to his detriment, to his destruction. Twice actually, since you had a second D-day... you chose to hurt him AGAIN after seeing the devastation it wreaked the first time. That's his reality. So yeah, anything you do right now will seem like a manipulation at best, and a desire to alleviate your own guilt more than anything else. It's not that he doesn't believe you... It's that he can't believe you. He needs to protect himself from you, and putting up a wall protects him to some degree.

So is that it? Is it all over? Is there nothing you can ever do? Maybe.

Infidelity is often a deal-breaker. Full stop. Most people cannot and do not recover. I don't say that to scare you. I say it to put a real expectation in your head. You fucked up. Again, try fixing the cake.

If anything will make the difference, it is time, effort, self-awareness, and commitment. Equal parts of all. Since you cannot fix the cake, you need to create a new one. If there is to be a reconciliation, it cannot happen with the person who cheated on him. So you must be someone... better. You do this by figuring out your own shit. In other words, WHY did you cheat? And I don't just mean the superficial, "Because I wanted to. Because I was selfish. Because I was weak." That's obvious. I mean WHHHYYY. What in your life made you the kind of person that would disrespect YOURSELF enough to cheat? Why was that even a thought in your head? I'm sure if you went back and asked your 10-year old self if you'd ever grow up to be a cheating spouse, that inner child would say, "No way Jose!". So what happened? You destroyed yourself, your spouse, your relationship, maybe more. That's not due to boredom. That's not, "I was horny". That's some self-destructive behavior there, and it certainly didn't start recently.

Go get some therapy. Dig deep. Figure out what in your life got you to where you are today. And make positive changes in your life. BE the kind of person who you admire and respect. When you become someone worthy of loving themselves, someone of integrity and decency, then you'll have a shot (maybe) at building a new relationship. With your spouse, or someone else. For now... do the work. Fix yourself. Love yourself.

FWIW, I was shitty WS. I hurt my wife for years while trying "do the right things" because at the end of the day, it was still all about me. Once I was able to pull my head out of my ass and start to see myself for who I was... things finally began to change. We made a new cake together. The old cake is still mashed into the rug, no doubt, that never goes away. But the new cake is nice. We are ten years out and still working on a cake that we can both be happy with. It is rare, but it is possible, and you'll find a few stories similar to mine on SI. If you want that... do the work. And be prepared to fail, a lot.

Best of luck to you. Keep coming back for advice. Not everything here is what you'll want to hear. But everyone here is honest with you. So take it all in, and grab on to whatever works best for you.

I can relate to everything you wrote.

This stage is disorienting. It feels like your entire life is pointed toward repair and yet somehow you are still being told it is not enough. That is a painful place to stand.

I want to gently reframe one thing first. I'm sure you understand and probably only wrote it out to give context. But still seems worth mentioning. You are only 5 months out. That 2nd Dday reset the clock. It sent your BH right back to ground zero. 5 months is a drop in the bucket. You are not 10 months into healing. You are five months into the second shattering. That changes everything.That does not mean your effort since then is wasted. It means the timeline is still early.

He says I was always nice. That I have shown I can be fully committed for long periods and then betray.

This is exactly why he cannot feel the change yet. Niceness is not the metric. Commitment is not the metric. He is not looking for loving behavior. He is looking for evidence that the internal engine that allowed the betrayal has been dismantled. That takes time and repetition. That doesn't mean you aren't doing enough.

And when he said, "addressing what you have done" and "restore justice", he is naming the deeper layer. He is not asking for chores, affection, or support. He is asking for meaning making. He is asking for you to show him that you understand the harm in a way that changes you at the root.

Which makes sense with his journal request. What he wants to see are moments where you could have taken the easy way out and you chose differently. He probably wants to know that you understand. Things like, choosing honesty over comfort. A moment where you could have told a white lie to smooth things over but instead you told the truth. Naming an old pattern. Catching yourself slipping into defensiveness or minimization and writing it out so he can see the proof (that's probably the key word here, they all want proof). Connecting IC work to the harm. Writing about what you learned in therapy and how it directly relates to the choices you made. Explaining internal shifts. When you say, "I let go of all resentment", write out what resentment you let go of, how you recognized it, and what changed inside you.

These are the kinds of things that show internal movement. They show that you are not just behaving differently, but becoming different.

I admit I am feeling low. It’s like everyday what I did hits me more, and the task keeps getting bigger and bigger. I do feel ‘paralysed’ sometimes.

The gravity of it all is a heavy thing. Feeling paralysed is normal. This work is not linear. It is not fast. It is not clean. You do not move past it. You move through it with humility and grace. You move through it by letting the truth change you. You move through it by staying open even when you feel overwhelmed. This is the beginning. You are not behind. You are not failing. You are in the thick of it, and the thick of it is supposed to feel like this.

I see someone who is doing the work. Someone who is willing. Someone who is not hiding. Someone who is not minimizing. Someone who is showing up every day even when it hurts. That is what matters most right now.

Keep your chin up.

Forever labeled’s advice were my thoughts.

I remember how hard this stage was as well.

I am going to add one thing, and I apologize that I feel like I butcher this because it’s not my content. Long ago, when I was about as far out as you, there was an exchange here between a bh and two ws’s.

BravesirRobin translated what the bh was trying to say to the ws who was struggling to understand the very thing that you are articulating (because while it feels like you are alone, any ws who attempts reconciliation meets this stage at some point if they are trying).

She said she realized that her bh didn’t need her to help him from the floor. He needed her to get down in the floor and grieve with him. To see that she was as broken as he was over the state of things.

The bh chimed in, along with his wife who had previously not been in the conversation and together they articulated that for a long time she was trying to get an A in reconciliation. And the lightbulb went off in me that’s what I was doing too.

I stopped doing that and leaned into vulnerability. Not that you aren’t, but what your husband is saying about him needing you not to be the CEO of reconciliation reminded me of that pivotal exchange that helped me see where I was not focusing my energy in the ways that my husband could feel.

My being very wifely and taking things off his plate and planning pleasant experiences didn’t go completely unappreciated, but to him he felt like I was trying to normalize our relationship when he felt everything but normal.

Don’t guess, communicate. And keep digging into how the way you were carrying life resulted in your affair. And start working in those hows and whys and sharing that back. You may do this part, it simply wasn’t mentioned so I think that’s important.

You want this, and you are trying, those things are evident. But he wants you to go deeper.

I hope this helps. It helped me, but you are not getting the benefit of how it was stated and while I try, I am not as profound as my old friend in how she could boil it down to where it was digestible. Her wisdom is worth repeating but I can’t claim I did it justice.

Also I am editing this to add—-he too is in a stage that most bs would be at this stage. It may feel like it’s unmovable (because I remember feeling hopeless), keep putting one foot forward and making adjustments to your path and believe in the healing of the relationship when he can’t yet believe. It makes a difference.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:09 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]