SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone not actually married that decided to reconcile with a partner ? Is it worth it if you’re not even married ? For context , my partner and I have been together for 5 years, we live together . We don’t have shared children although I have a good relationship with his teenage daughter . (And pets). No shared financial assets. Is it better to cut your losses and move on if you’re not legally tied together ? Reconciliation purely for love ? Just asking for opinions or other experiences as I see most of the people who have posted have specifically been betrayed by a spouse.

He has failed the Husband test. R takes a lot of work and it starts with the basics, NC with AP, honest time line, and no defensiveness. If any of those haven't been met then he's not a candidate for R.

I've written on this topic a few times and some people are not quite so practical as me.

Let's start with "Love". It basically isn't special. I know that hurts to hear to some degree but like, let's say out of everyone that is together, only 20% are purely for business or practical reasons. That means the remainder are in love. Did you *not* love your previous boyfriend? Would you *not* love your next boyfriend? Or would you only stay with a man because you love him?

OK, so I think we can pretty well establish that love is just a condition necessary to maintain any relationship. It is not a reason to make bad choices. In fact it is almost never used to rationalize a good decision. It's almost always "I know I shouldn't X but I love them."

The analogy I have previously used is shoes. Love is just the sole of the shoe. Every shoe has a sole. If it didn't, it wouldn't be a shoe. The dirties most uncomfortable shoe in the world has a sole. The fact that you have worn these shoes for five years doesn't make them good shoes.

So, while I don't think anyone can love anyone, I do think you can quite easily find another person you love. And I think that task is much much easier than reconciling with someone that has betrayed you.

Thus, I basically advise people with *no practical reasons* to stay in the relationship to run. Kids, house, business, etc. Entanglements that make salvaging the existing relationship more practical than finding a new one. And yes, of course you should still love them! But the reason to persevere isn't love. The reason is divorce, splitting assets, having a co-parenting plan, AND starting a new relationship might actually be more painful than reconciliation.

It's an emotional decision though, and love makes people do dumb stuff.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:15 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

Not a romantic, eh, TiF?

I've turned out to be more of a romantic than I thought I would 65 years ago. Even so, I like the shoe metaphor. It's essential but not sufficient.

I wouldn't get married after being betrayed unless WSo did a lot of work and was consistent for 5 years or more.

Not a romantic, eh, TiF?

I've turned out to be more of a romantic than I thought I would 65 years ago. Even so, I like the shoe metaphor. It's essential but not sufficient.

I wouldn't get married after being betrayed unless WSo did a lot of work and was consistent for 5 years or more.