One year since discovery. When my therapist told me about two weeks later that I should let a year pass before deciding whether to stay or leave, my first thought was: There’s no way I can endure this pain for that long. And yet — I’m still here.
A year ago, I literally found the smoking gun — a romantic voice message the OW had recorded for my WH for Christmas. A nightmare lasting 7 minutes and 46 seconds that stripped me — only 20 months after our wedding — of every illusion I may have had.
My WH was away on a business trip that day and immediately found somewhere else to stay. It would take another eight months before he returned to our shared home.
I experienced everything that others here describe too: admitting only what could no longer be denied, destroying evidence, trickle truth…
What helped me enormously — and I’m not saying this applies universally — was:
* complete no-contact with the OW
* we both started individual therapy very quickly (psychodynamic therapy for him, to get to the root causes)
* his credible assurance that the OW had never been in our house; by finding another place to stay himself, our home was able to remain my safe space
* toward the end of the first two weeks, new details came to light; after I told him I could not continue under those circumstances, he finally came completely clean; to this day, nothing else has surfaced
* he answered every question I had — all the disturbing details I needed
* full transparency about his whereabouts, open phone, open social media accounts; after three months, the OW contacted him again, and he showed me immediately and coordinated his response with me
* he withdrew from every social group in which we used to spend time together with the OW
* no one-on-one meetings with women (only in the presence of a third person)
* he left it to me to decide when, where, and how often I wanted contact with him during the first weeks and months
* I shared my story with everyone from whom I hoped to receive support
* he took it upon himself to inform our mutual friends
* since he moved back into our house, I have had my own room where I can retreat whenever things become too overwhelming for me
* we signed a postnuptial agreement and agreed to a waiver of inheritance rights
And most importantly:
He is doing the work for himself and on himself (not for me and not for the OW); that is my best safeguard. And I can see that he is trying out new behaviors that are having a positive effect on our relationship and the way we interact with each other
So yes, D-day was sad. But I feel that this event stripped me down to the core of who I am. And that resilient core will endure — no matter what happens. In therapy, I’ve learned a great deal about myself, about my own behavioral patterns in relationships, and how they have harmed me.
A long road lies ahead of us. Trauma takes a long time to heal. But intense flashbacks and dark days are also interspersed with new, good moments. And as long as that remains the case, I am giving us a chance.
[This message edited by 7m46s at 3:13 PM, Tuesday, May 19th]
