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Newest Member: ObsessedB

Just Found Out :
Found out 2 weeks ago

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BondJaneBond ( new member #82665) posted at 6:15 PM on Sunday, July 27th, 2025

Superhurt - I'm very sorry this has happened to you. It's devastating, I know. You'll get a lot of good advice and support here. We'll say different things, different POVs, but I think most of it will be useful in some way.

There's a lot of people on here who are finding out about affairs many years afterwards. It's not uncommon. I think there's a whole section devoted to this and a lot of threads. Maybe it would help to see how others have handled this. Understand that while a lot of physical time has passed, this just happened to you, because you just found out. It's fresh, and puts your wife and your marriage in a very different light now. I think IC (individual counseling) might help you especially if the marriage has been otherwise good, to integrate this into your feelings about your marriage in a way that gives it an appropriate place in your lives. As you say, you're not the same person yourself you were 14 years ago.

I do agree with others here that you should tell the Church authorities. Perhaps not proclaim it to the parishioners but the authorities should know they have a man like this who may be preying on his flock. This sounds like what happened to your wife. People like this kind of sinister minister (and there are others in other types of power positions) are there to listen to people's problems and help them over the rough patches especially with scriptural guidance. They give a shoulder to cry on. A predator starts with the shoulder to cry on, the kindliness, the warmth they may feel lacking at home, and they know how to manipulate a vulnerable person into feeling things they shouldn't - transferring affection and emotion to them rather than the spouse - and doing things they shouldn't. I would be willing to bet cash money that your wife is not the only woman this guy has done this to. It's a despicable thing to do to a vulnerable person. I would bet there are others and he might have a whole history of this. I understand your concern for his wife, which is admirable, but I think predators have to be stopped and the first part of that is often establishing a pattern of behavior - documenting it with superiors and to enable them to start watching and investigating. I would bet that his wife is hurting anyway as there is probably something deeply wrong in their marriage and sometimes, things just need to come out. We can't protect the guilty because there is a family member who might be hurt. She will need to be consoled by people in an appropriate way after the fact if this comes out. To tell the authorities is what I would advise as well. This is the thing with affairs - everyone involved gets hurt in some way when they come to light, it's unavoidable.

Obviously don't beat him up or engage in violence. I fully understand this desire, it would be my first instinct too, even as a woman, but it would only cause tremendous trouble for you and your wife and family, and make him look like a martyr. Exposing him to his superiors is a better form of revenge - I DO believe in revenge but it has to be practical and legal - and it would probably make you feel better and also expose someone who might be a real predator to his congregation. Of course, if this was a one off for him as it appears to be for your wife, the authorities would undoubtedly consider that as well.

Be prepared for a lot of ups and downs in your feelings, it's a roller coaster ride from Hell, but you sound like a solid and stable person and it does seem like this was a one off for your wife. I wouldn't let this predation by him wreck what might be a solid relationship, especially now, for you two, especially if your wife is showing the proper regret, remorse, and willingness to do whatever it takes to help you handle this. Good luck to you both!

What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Use anger as a tool and mercy as a balm.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8873550
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BondJaneBond ( new member #82665) posted at 6:22 PM on Sunday, July 27th, 2025

I would also say - I'm sure this is obvious but I forgot to mention it.....I'd go to a different church too and that could be something to explain to the authorities as well. That you no longer feel comfortable going to this church or maybe even that denomination. You never know - there might be other stories or rumors about this guy that might be negatively affecting the parish that you don't know about. Every piece of evidence helps to stop a potential predator. As I say, this might have been a one off in a rough marital patch for both of them, but an authority figure can never use their position in this way. It's highly unethical.

What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Use anger as a tool and mercy as a balm.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8873551
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 Superhurt (original poster new member #86375) posted at 8:37 PM on Sunday, July 27th, 2025

We haven't went to that church for 8 years. She did work for the church for 2 years after it ended. And no other contact has been made other than with his wife from that time.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2025
id 8873560
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WB1340 ( member #85086) posted at 9:41 PM on Sunday, July 27th, 2025

If you're going to make him confess in front of everybody then your wife deserves the same. You can't hate him and not hate her. Both of them are complicit, no one was forced, they both made an adult decision to do what they did

Do not accept any of the blame. She could have asked you to go to counseling, she could have threatened you with divorce, she had choices if she was unhappy but like all cheaters she took the cowardly way out

My wife tried that we're both to blame nonsense and I shut that down immediately. I said this is 100% on you. She tried pushing back and it took her a long time to be able to say that it was all her fault

The man should not be in any kind of leadership position within a religious organization. He is the perfect example of a hypocrite. He needs to be bounced out of the church. I would give him the ultimatum. You can leave or I will start talking and then you will be forced to leave. Yes his wife maybe hurt by this but that's his burden to bear

D-day April 4th 2024. WW was sexting with a married male coworker. Started R a week later, still ongoing...

posts: 159   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2024
id 8873563
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:23 PM on Sunday, July 27th, 2025

Excellent points WB1340

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14818   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8873564
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 12:45 AM on Monday, July 28th, 2025

I would give him the ultimatum. You can leave or I will start talking and then you will be forced to leave.

He’d likely then give some bs reason to the congregation like "God has called us to start a new church elsewhere", leave, and then continue his work as a wolf among the sheep elsewhere.

If he’s a professing Christian, and you are as well, why not do what Scripture commands and inform the other church leaders? Please do not aid in the coverup of this man, which will only lead to more victims, and more severe trauma.

posts: 623   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8873569
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WoodThrush2 ( member #85057) posted at 4:27 AM on Monday, July 28th, 2025

Friend...so sorry you are going through this. I know you do not want to hurt the other wife, but friend....the issue is more about the position he holds...he truly MUST be exposed to the Elders and Deacons of the church... That is the proper way to handle this. It is up to them to take the actions to protect the rest of the congregation from there.

Find out who the elders and Deacons are and ask for a meeting with all of them. That man has forfeited his right to be a Pastor, that is crystal clear in the Bible.

That will also give you some sense of justice. The wife I am sure will understand if she understands anything about the consequences of him doing this and the potential dangers he does, or has pose to others. In fact....who knows, he may have abused women and they are too fearful to come forward. Again...please tell the elders and Deacons as soon as possible.🙏

posts: 162   ·   registered: Jul. 29th, 2024   ·   location: New York
id 8873580
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