Dear MacandChees, I read your post on the other thread and the part that I could most relate to is how maddening it is to not be able to understand the "partner" you thought you knew better. Having in some fashion "survived" 2 episodes of emotionless infidelity TWELVE YEARS APART, I also heard you wondering why people don't seem to ever grow out of their character flaws.
One only needs to spend time reading stories here to witness how widespread is that sad truth, both among men and women!
I am sorry you are experiencing this. Your exasperation with your WH came through to me loud and clear. It's pretty much standard for me to feel that way, too, on a regular basis!
My SAfWH apparently thinks that simply "controlling himself" and no longer looking at secret websites or trying to contact prostitutes means he is "All In" on the marriage, so we should be "good"! Yet he has never breached the gap between his superficial approach to R of "doing nice things for the wife" and thinking that should be sufficient while we live in In-House Separation for going on a quarter century now, versus him trying to offer the love and emotional depth I truly thought after D-Day 1 (2002) he might develop.
I suspect now that certain people just aren't capable of it, and I accidentally chose one of those people. I knew he was fairly restricted in his emotional expressions, but my family and I all assumed what we were seeing was just a cultural difference; he grew up in a country where people have a reputation for being "stiff upper lip," as my father used to surmise. Sadly, I have had to learn that in my H's case, restricted range of expression and deep thought is not at all superficial, it's a core aspect of his character and it has repeatedly led to him do unbelievable damage to our marriage and our life together.
I haven't found any professional so far who would know how to help me accept the M that I ended up in! Everyone basically thinks I should D him, if it's that lopsided. I just keep praying some event, some day, will help him to start to see there is another person in his life besides himself. Because if I saw a glimmer of such change, it would give me a lot of peace that I had decided to stay, despite feeling I'd made a huge mistake. But so far, I'm still waiting...
Your WH might or might not be anything like mine. Has he at least done any IC (individual counseling)? Have you been able to find some support for the trauma you have suffered?
