Your anger and rage are understandable AND part of the healing process.
However you are looking for "answers" as to WHY.
What kind of answers are you expecting?
He can justify the affairs all he wants - but the truth is he chose to cheat. There are so many people here at SI who were in good marriages with everything seemingly good — yet their spouse or partner cheated.
Are you expecting some light bulb moment from the cheater? It may happen and it could take years. Do you expect he will come to you and freely and openly talk about his feelings and actions and explain why he cheated?
That may never happen too.
I doubt many cheaters initiate any discussion about their affairs. Or admit to it being a choice w/out trying to justify their reasons or decision to cheat.
For you, the rage is understandable but you certainly don’t want to live like that for too long. It is damaging to you, to the marriage AND puts you in a cycle of shame and guilt.
Perhaps some individual counseling (iC) would help.
Also I think it would help you to read up on the acceptance process of this journey. Are you upset with yourself because he had 2 affairs?
My H mirrors yours - first an EA and then a midlife crisis affair that was physical. So I’ve been down the road you are on. I completely understand your WHY.
But if you want to reconcile and get to a better place, you need to start to let go of the anger.
Are you mad at yourself b/c he cheated twice? Do you feel as though it’s your fault or you were duped? While that isn’t the case — I understand why you feel that way.
I hope this helps you start to understand this is a process. And it’s a long road ahead— as I’m sure you know. Keep posting here — you will get great advice.
