Where do I even start with this? My thoughts are swirling around like crazy, so apologies in advance if this comes out all haphazardly...
Currently sitting at the kitchen table fantasizing about driving to the local gas station, getting a pint of ice cream, and inhaling the entire thing while I watch a movie in my car. Maybe a gallon. Fighting the urge 1) because I bought 300 spider-infested bricks today (long story) and haven't unloaded them from my vehicle, 2) I'm trying to avoid eating my feelings (BED is a stupid bitch and I hate her), and 3) I suspect if my H wakes up and can't find me, it'll send him into a panic, and I don't want to do that to him.
But fuck do I long for it anyway!
I already drank at dinner because I couldn't stand to sit there in sober silence while my H was being broody. I almost never drink, and certainly not as a form of escapism. And there's a tiny bottle of Fireball whispering to me from our little bar in the corner that would go down real easy in my leftover horchata... I shouldn't. I already brushed my teeth, after all. I should just take a melatonin and try to pass out. 
Melatonin doesn't make you fat, at least. But it does give me nightmares, so maybe not the best idea either. Can't even go out to the run and pet a sleepy chicken because I'm literally fucking allergic to mosquito bites 
All I did was ask him to go to MC with me. I thought he would be willing, since a month or two ago he said he would. I declined to tell him why I wanted to go-- there's just some issues that are unresolved that I wanna work through, and I didn't want to fall back into the same patterns we've been falling into by listing them ahead of MC. I didn't expect it would turn into a massive argument.
I didn't know it would throw a wrench into his work day; I just asked immediately after I got off my session with my IC, who had recommended it, because it didn't want the request to fall by the wayside, as so often is the case. But he started spiraling, because he believes I'm preparing a "case" against him to present to the therapist, and he feels like he's going in blind. Like it's some kind of sick power move instead of just trying to avoid the kind of arguments that leaves me frustrated with our communication and the issues still somehow unresolved. (I guess that's what I fucking get for bringing a powerpoint to MC last time. Oh look, if it isn't the consequences of your actions, Morbs...! But that was so long ago, and I didn't understand back then! 
) I told him that I wanted to go to work through issues with him, like a team, because I think we just need a little bit of outside help, and that I'm willing to go in with an open mind to see where I might be contributing to our issues, but that didn't seem to help.
He said this is coming out of the blue, and the last time he thought everything was just fine and I didn't, I made plans to fuck someone else. I had replied "Good news. This time I'm seeking MC instead of trying to fuck someone else." But wouldn't you know, somehow that wasn't reassuring. Neither was "There's nothing I want to bring up in MC that you don't already know about." He had posited that the only way for his anxiety to be relieved was if I told him what we were going there to discuss. Which is not exactly fair, is it?
And like, I'm trying to be less codependent, right? So I was holding this boundary, and while I hear his feelings and I care about them, I can't fix them for him. I can do my best to reassure him that I'm not preparing a case against him or game planning how I want to present myself to "get an A" in therapy or that there's not some other shoe that's going to drop, but with regards to the anxiety that remains after that, he's got to self-soothe. Or if he can't self-soothe, talk to his IC about it... And I was trying to say as much, but what came out after he said "The timing of this in the middle of my work day is so unfair and I'm incredibly triggered" was "I don't think that's my responsibility." Which naturally he mistranslated into "I don't gaf about your feelings."🤦
We talked about it more this morning and I was able to offer clarification, but he was insistent I was treating him poorly, that I was giving him "an ultimatum" about going to MC (even though I didn't have an answer when he asked what would happen if he said he wasn't going...?) and he kept badgering me (it felt like "bullying" but let's just say "badgering") to break the boundary... I thought I was getting through to him about why breaking it to relieve his discomfort would be putting his feelings above my own and how that relates to codependence, and that we were getting somewhere productive with the conversation, but maybe not? Because he came home still in a terrible mood (which I was trying my fucking damnest not to let dampen my mood, because, you know, codependency...)
He didn't even want sex. I feel selfish for wanting it, but it's been several nights without it and I'm like hankering, dude. 
He just went to sleep on the couch with the dog. (She looked so fucking pleased with herself when he put his arm around her!) I had to fight her to cuddle up next to him, and then when he noticed, he just turned away.
I was crushed. I'm spiraling. I'm not here to bash him or anything; I just don't really have anyone else to talk to about this except for this community... I feel so lonely. I don't know how we got here. I need help separating out what's a reasonable feeling and what isn't, I think, and to figure out how to sit with this and self-sooth in a health way until the appointment on Monday...
[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 4:23 AM, Saturday, July 18th]
