SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you divorced when your children were very young, how did/do you cope with regularly being apart from them? Do you regret having to split your time with them? I made a lot of sacrifices in order to be able to spend time with my children while they were very small; it has always been important to me to be a present and involved parent. I'm terrified of missing out on a lot of time with them, not being there if they need me etc. It would be really helpful to hear the reality of how others have found it.

I can’t answer but I’m too interested in knowing more.

My daughter is right now the single most important reason why I haven’t yet finalized my divorce.

The best we can offer is to create the best co- parenting relationship possible.

This way if plans change — the other parent gets the first choice to change or swap days etc.

Unless the STBX is involved with an unfit partner (or unsafe), just accept it and hope they will treat the kids well.

Try to have the same rules for each home - routines, etc. Hope you can both attend kids’ school events and activities w/out animosity.

If both parents put the kids first then it doesn’t have to be a nightmare. As the kids grow up, the schedules will change. Hope the STBX can adapt and adjust.

However if the STBX is out for revenge, then there is nothing that can change that mentality. Using the kids as a pawn is always wrong but some people don’t care about parental alienation.

I hope this can be addressed reasonably and amicably.

Thank you so much for your reply. I guess it is not so much how to coparent practically that I am concerned about, it is how to cope with the loss of time with kids, especially while they are tiny, and especially when you are the primary parent and have taken time off work/gone part time etc to be with them. If anyone has done it, what is the reality of what it's like? Do you regret it?

I haven't personally gone through it with young children - my kiddo was 15 when I decided to divorce - but losing that time is hard.

I have a good friend whose ex left her for his AP when she was 5 months pregnant. I couldn't believe that the court ordered the newborn to spend every other night with her ex and AP, but that's what happened, and she was breastfeeding at the time! It was hard. Very very hard, but she kept her chin up as best she could.

That child is now 16 years old and a fine young man and seems pretty happy with his life. Of course, he has never known anything different. As he got older, they shifted from every other day to every few days to every other week. They worked with a family therapist to figure all this out.

My friend learned to embrace the nights/weeks that she had to herself. She has a few pets to keep her company when her kid isn't around. She goes out with other single/divorced friends. She's figured out how to be happy and how to coparent.

None of this was easy going, and she made a huge effort to maintain a good coparenting relationship with her ex and AP (they've still together), but it has paid off in terms of the health of her child.

How old are your children? Are they closer to you than your stbx? Do you want full custody? It's not unheard of, especially if the other parent doesn't want to be actively involved.