SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. I have been looking at this forum for months now, and reading a lot of other people's experiences with infidelity. I've wanted to share my story, but wasn't ready to write down details. I have been going to an individual therapist ever since I found out, which has been helpful, but obviously I am still incredibly depressed, angry, embarrassed, confused, and have no idea what I should be doing. However, maybe sharing my story can help me to make sense of what I am experiencing.

My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for almost 16 years of them. We have two young kids. I always felt like we had a great marriage despite the normal stresses of family, finances, and work. In the beginning of December, major cracks started to show when my wife called me from her job to give me a heads up that the wife of a co-worker is going to contact me and accuse my wife have having an inappropriate relationship with her husband. She found months of messages they were sending each other to be too personal for co-workers to be saying to each other. My wife defended herself and explained that the other woman was wrong and was completely misreading the friendship between my wife and her husband. I never felt my wife has ever been unfaithful, so I took her word for it but I was confused and suspicious since I was totally blindsided. I spoke with the other guy's wife, I confronted the husband, and my wife and I discussed it a lot for weeks. She apologized profusely saying she got too close with the co-worker and understood it was inappropriate that they shared too much with each other, but there was nothing romantic going on and she is stopping all communication with him. I asked if she has done this with anyone else, and she said "no," but I felt something was off when she answered.

So on Christmas after we got back from a party, she had been drinking a lot and fell asleep. Our conversation earlier had been bothering me, so I decided to go through her personal phone, emails, and work phone that night, something I have never done in our 20 years together, looking for evidence that she might or might not be telling me the truth... After an hour or two, I didn't find anything on her personal phone. But then I started searching her work phone and I ended up coming upon 5-6 emails with someone written fairly recently. I was absolutely floored and sickened by what I was reading.

They were incredibly romantic. Talking about how much they can't stop thinking about each other. How they are unhappy in their marriages and deserve to be together. Trying to be poetic and just overcome with love for each other (my wife is not poetic and has never been a very romantic person). They get more detailed and he mentions that he feels bad about the situation with the co-worker I thought I was investigating. How they can't believe it has been "14 years" together. I had no idea who this person was. The email address was a burner email with no info on them. So I woke her up and confronted her and she admitted she has been in an on-again-off-again relationship that started about 1 year after we got married with a former co-worker of hers. A person I used to be friendly with. A person that was at our wedding 16 years ago with his wife. A person I haven't thought about for years. She insists they never went past making out a few times, which happened 14 years ago, and that it has been an emotional affair. Something I have a hard time believing, and honestly doesn't make much of a difference. She lied to me throughout our whole marriage and was living a double life. She says she doesn't want to be with him, she wants to stay with me, which is not what her emails said.

I couldn't (and still can't) believe what I was hearing. I had no idea this was going on right under my nose, and for so long. Every memory we've made and milestone we've celebrated is now completely tainted. She was cheating on me throughout all of it. The day we closed on our house. The birth of our kids. Advancements in our careers. All of the trips we have gone on. The happiest moments in our lives, and she was messaging, emailing, calling and possibly meeting up with him and saying how much she loves him. Just horrifyingly deceptive and selfish actions from someone I had blind trust in.

So here I am now, not knowing what to do and where to go from here. We haven't told anyone aside from our therapists and marriage counselor. I haven't brought myself to leave, because then I am leaving all of the things I have worked hard for as well. I am very worried about our kids finding out and how this will affect them. I sleep in another bed and make sure to wake up before them so they don't see me in the spare bedroom. We still go to family functions together. I am not sure how long I can pretend we are still happily married. I am not sure if I can ever forgive and forget. So I am stuck here between not wanting to look or speak to her, but also being forced to so we can raise our kids, then we talk and fight after they go to sleep. As far as I can tell, they don't know what is going on. It's an incredibly depressing and confusing life we are living.

Right now, I feel nothing toward her but disappointment. I miss the life we had together but it was seemingly all a massive lie so it is difficult to look at her the same way.

I am curious how people with small children eventually decided to get a separation? How long did it take to decide? How is your relationship with your kids now? How hard was it on them to get a separation or divorce? What should I be doing now if I ultimately decide to get a divorce?

Thanks for reading. Sorry it is a long story. I am also sorry to everyone else going through this because it is awful and I have nothing but sympathy for you.

I am curious how people with small children eventually decided to get a separation? How long did it take to decide?

My xWW showed zero remorse for her affair, never apologized and blamed me entirely for it. Moreover she did not even try to end her affair (it fizzled out shortly after naturally). So divorce was a no-brainer. My son was 6 when we split. Kids are very perceptive, so staying a bad marriage will cause more harm to them than leaving and coparenting amicably if possible. Kids are also VERY resilient if both parents handle the divorce in a manner that puts the kids needs in the forefront.

How is your relationship with your kids now?

My son was in second grade when we divorced, now he's in junior high, has always scored straight As, won top awards, and I'm pretty sure will go to a top college. He is a sociable, conscientious and emotionally and physically healthy teen.

How hard was it on them to get a separation or divorce?

So for the last year of my marriage, I had a job where I had to travel a lot on business so he mostly saw me Fri-Sun. Since he was used to it, it was easier for him to adjust to my moving out of the family home.

What should I be doing now if I ultimately decide to get a divorce?

Talk to a divorce attorney and get your ducks in line.

I am so sorry you are in this position. I can’t imagine trying to process that long of a relationship and so many lies. My WH and i have been separated for 3 months. We kept our 4yo daughters schedule the same, he still came and dropped her to daycare and the spent his usual days off with her. For those 3 months she didnt notice too much. I explained to her that dad was living with grandma and he hurt my feelings and she didnt ask much else. During this time i was waiting to see if WH would do the work necessary for R, but more recently i saw he contacted AP again. I had said to him in a clear email that was my boundary and i wouldn’t be doing R if it happened. Since finding out, i have stopped all communication with WH and ask my mum and sister who i am very close with to communicate any needs of our daughter. I have also said he can see her once a week when my mum or sister can do change over. My daughter has noticed much more of a difference and she does say she wants dad to come home and she feels sad. It breaks my heart. I would do anything to give her a family. But i cant force him to change and i know i cannot live with him peacefully unless he did change. And being in a home of constant tension and arguing would be even worse. I make sure my daughter knows she can talk to me when she feels sad, i tell her i feel sad sometimes too but that we will be okay and its not her fault or mine. I explain that dad broke a promise to me. I reassure her that she is loved and safe. While she does still ask and is still adjusting, she has been pretty good. You can always as a psychologist for some advice on age appropriate explanations.

I didn't divorce, but my parents did when I was 12. My father was a serial cheater. They didn't fight in front of us, but I knew something wasn't right. I did over-hear a couple of arguments tho, and the tension in the house was palpable. You might not think so, but kids pick up on that stuff.

When my mother told my sister (1 year younger) and I they were splitting I think we both felt relief. I know I did. Speaking from my own personal experience it was not a devastating experience and I wasn't destroyed. I was glad to get out of a tense and uncomfortable situation.

A couple of caveats - my dad wasn't very involved and we went with my mother. He didn't put up much of a fight for us or anything, so the split was really not that big if a deal. Plus the thought of no longer working in the slaughterhouse my dad owned, which I hated doing at 12 years old, was actually quite a relief to me.

All this to say, depending on circumstances, not all kids are destroyed and devastated when their parents split up. Like I said, I was actually relieved to get out of the situation. It was better than living with the both of them with the underlying tension in the house.

Kids are tougher and more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for. I think an amicable split with loving, caring and responsible co parenting can be adjusted to pretty well over the long run. You might be surprised how your kids feel about it, and they just might be more privy to the arguments you guys have after bedtime than you think. I remember lying awake in bed listening to my parents after bedtime a couple of times.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. My wife's affair was very brief. It happened after 26 years of marriage and that was bad enough. I can only imagine discovering what you did and how that makes you feel man. Stick around and keep posting. There's a great group of folks here who understand what you're going through. Just typing it out and getting feedback from folks letting me know I'm not losing my mind was so helpful and invaluable. Ask whatever you want or just even vent if you need to. Welcome to the club no one volunteers to join.

Friend, so very sorry for this tragic reality shift for you. First, I highly recommend going to see a Betrayal Trauma Specialist. Normal counselors don't have the training to lead you through this life changing event. Look up Jake Porter on YouTube and listed to his content.

I hope you have contacted the spouse of AP. This is crucial to take back some agency and gain some control of what you can. Plus the other wife deserves to know.

This is a long journey. I will say the duration and details really do matter. Each detail about this shows something about your wife's character and there are wounds in your heart for each thing. Seek God for wisdom. Again, so sorry but we are here for you. 🙏

What a horrible situation you find yourself in. I'm so sorry you are dealing with such a deep deception. I'm sure you don't have the full story, adults who are deeply in love sending romantic messages don't "make out" when they find time together.

My kids were 4 and 7 when we separated. They are now 7 and 10. My older son had a difficult year following the separation, my daughter too, but in more subtle ways as a pre-k kid. They are both thriving now and have two happy healthy parents. I am in a relationship which models love and mutual respect for them.

I had the benefit of my ex wife not being interested in anything besides 50/50 custody, so our divorce was on the easier side from some horror stories you read about. At the time when I left, I was terrified of spending even one night apart from my children in the circumstances of separation. What I've found is that I truly value my time with them on my days and I equally value the time they spend with their mom, where I can focus on myself and my relationship with another single parent in the same boat (our every other weekends together are incredible).

What you are navigating is unbelievably jarring, confusing, and scary. It will become less so over time if you focus on yourself, healing and moving forward, however that looks for you. Good luck, you'll be ok.

Please DNA test the children.

It's clearly as day they've been sexually intimate and she's lying to you..16 years of meet ups with no sez? Honestly some people genuinely think they can sell any lie.

Thanks for the supportive messages.

I’ve thought about DNA tests, but not only do my kids look nothing like the other guy, I love them and would do anything for them no matter what a test says. I’ve raised them. They are mine.

I have not contacted the other guy’s wife. I have thought long and hard about it, and I almost do it when I’m very angry, upset and wanting revenge. According to the emails I found, he has moved out of his house and back in once or twice and they obviously don’t seem very dedicated to each other. I’m concerned me calling her is not going to have the outcome I want. Possibly giving him zero reason to hide their affair and allowing him to pursue my wife with no restrictions. I sure as hell don’t want them to live a happy life together. They don’t deserve it. Also, I don’t know his wife well and am not sure what she’s capable of.

My main concern is for my kids. We work very opposite hours so if I leave, my kids have no one home in the morning to take them to school and take care of them. I’m not sure how much I’d ever see them.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. It’s an utter nightmare and an appalling betrayal. Your situation is somewhat similar to my mother’s. My father was unfaithful to her their entire marriage, with multiple women. Unfortunately my mom only found out in their 50th year of marriage. There was no attempt at R, Dad left her to be with his AP, so Mom found herself abandoned at the age of 62 after learning that her entire M had been a sham. BUT! I can tell you that she is happy and healed. It can be done. But I’m sure she wished she had found out sooner.

This forum is full of people who all wish they found out sooner, so not telling the OBS is kicking the hornets nest here. I get your logic, but I will plant these seeds for you to think about. You read what he wrote in those emails, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. Your WW told him she wants to be with him but never left you, and says she doesn’t now. She’s lying to one of you, obviously, but it might be him (I’m not saying that’s what I think, just pointing out that the possibility). Well, if she’s lying to him, he could also be lying to her. One thing that we know for sure is that they’re both dishonest.

If you tell OBS and that cascades into your WW and POSOM being together, then the hard decisions have been made for you. If the only thing keeping them apart is HIS marriage, then what are you actually fighting for?

Has she broken it off with him? Has she written him a "no contact" letter? I think you should be acting on the assumption that their A is ongoing…

She told me she’d never talk to him again and that the most recent email I found was the last time they corresponded. She didn’t have to write him a no contact letter because I found his phone number and called him to let him know that I know about their relationship. And to never speak to her again.

Not sure if that is it between them, but then again she hid it from me for so long that I don’t know what to believe anymore. She agreed to leave her phones out and available for me to go through when I want to, but they aren’t around me 24/7. She can go behind my back as soon as I step away. I haven’t seen any evidence on her phone of them talking but apparently that’s easy to hide it from me. And the thought that she lied to him and wanted to stay with me doesn’t give me a lot of comfort. This whole situation has exposed a horrible side to her that I never knew existed whether she was stringing him along or not.

I do have the urge to call his wife often and it does eat me up sometimes having not done it yet. Thats a decision i’m still struggling with, but it’s not off the table. I do think she has the right to know. Im just a little concerned what her reaction will be. I’m not sure if exposing them will affect my family, in someway . I don’t know her well. It might be a far-fetched scenario , but maybe she tracks my wife down and confronts her in front of my kids…

I just don’t know what to believe anymore and I am not sure if she really stopped speaking to him. I question it every minute of every day now. I’ve turned into a person that looks through her phone because I can’t trust her anymore. Something I never wanted to do. How do you recover from this feeling? Is there even a point to reconciling if this will live in my mind forever? How do you lose all respect for someone and not look at them differently forever?

Again thanks for the replies and advice.

Friend, her response will be that she will likely be thankful for giving her agency. People sometimes say they fear the reaction, but keep in mind....THEY (the cheaters) are doing this in secret because they know it is wrong. Once exposed, things begin to get real for them. It honestly is often the thing that starts opening their eyes to the darkness they were in. It also does something important for your wife. It shows her you have dignity. It shows her you are strong enough to not let such a disrespect go unanswered. It shows you will not be walked on lightly. Keep in mind, telling the wife should not be done in malice, but rather true care for her welfare, as well as establishment of new rules for this type of activity. Besides that, you also will possible get more information about the relationship once she starts getting information from her husband. Thereby, you can confront your wife about more lies if they exist. The light will have a cleansing effect.

You have gotten a lot of good advice so far. A couple things I'll echo and add:

Your W needs to send a NC letter regardless of you calling the OM. This almost never makes a difference, and in some cases just emboldens the OM. You absolutely CANNOT trust ANYTHING he may have said or any promises he made.

You are right to assume that just because she gave you access to her phone, that doesn't mean they can't communicate. Just means they may take it further underground.

Telling the OBS is the right thing to do simply because it is the right thing to do. Consequences be damned (and there are almost never the kind of scary consequences you imagine). I struggled with this, too.

Even tho I've seen it a few times now, I never understand the hesitation and fear of informing OBS. I mean, just out of a sense of justice I would want to do it. My wife's AP was single, but you can bet the farm I'd have almost immediately informed his significant other had she existed. Consequences be damned. If any progress between my wife and I would be lost by doing so, then I'd have a pretty clear answer that she's not really on board with true reconciliation and I'd have my answer. It wouldn't really be "progress" if the truth so easily derails it.

The same reasoning applies to him feeling free to pursue your wife. She's either on board or she's not. If he doubles down and she's receptive to it then you'll know if pursuing reconciliation is even worth the effort. Tho just know that's not what usually happens. What usually happens is the AP dumps the cheating spouse and doubles down on trying to save their own relationships. I don't think I've seen a single person regret telling the OBS yet.

I don't think a betrayed spouse should be the one walking on eggshells and living with such a sense of fragility. For me to reconcile she had to demonstrate to me that she's serious about it. If she doesn't want to deal with the consequences and own her shit then I didn't want to be in the marriage anymore. She's the one on fragile ground right now, and she's the one who should be minding her p's and q's.

I laid it all out. If she wanted to reconcile I'm the one who was going to drive the bus. If she wasn't over her AP and would be so easily swayed to continue betraying me then she could have at it. Just not while married to me. Go get him and don't let the door hit you in the ass. I was done.

To be honest, I didn't do that at first, tho. I spent about a month walking on eggshells and doing the pick me dance, but I came to the conclusion that there are worse things than divorce, and living in infidelity was at the top of the list. I made up my mind that I was getting out of it one way or another, and it was the best thing I could have done for our marriage.

Your situation differs from a fairly small number of typical infidelity scenarios only in insignificant details - for example, in the length of her double life. As it is, there is nothing unique, understand this. I say this because you should listen to experienced people who have already gone through the collapse of their marriage, and not entertain the illusion that you and your "still wife" will be different.
And the result after opening an affair will be the same as everyone else's.
You have 2 paths.:
1) either heal day by day by leaving the betrayer,
2) or stay under the same roof with her and lead a life filled with hidden suffering, worries and suspicions.
Because:
1. You will never forget anything and will not accept an affair and an affair partner if she is around and constantly reminds you of the blatant insult she inflicted on you. That's how our psyche works, there's nothing you can do about it, injuries don't get forgotten.
2. You will live with the certainty that she not only does not love or respect you, but she has never loved or respected you and, of course, will not love or respect you in the future if you decide to reconcile.
If she tells you otherwise, she's lying.
3. You will also constantly remember that she loves another man, that she chose him over you and stayed with you only because of the benefits and out of fear of losing her usual lifestyle, prestige, etc.
If she tells you otherwise, she's lying.
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My advice?

If you want to see children all the time and are ready to sacrifice your personal happiness for them, then depending on your feelings:
1) either open a marriage and live as roommates and raise children together in a friendly way,
2) or play the role of a successful family and be patient until the children leave the nest, and then leave or continue to be a martyr.

If you feel that you cannot be with her under any pretext, leave immediately and irrevocably.
............................................................
It's hard to leave now, it'll be easier later.
Staying is easier now, but later it will be very hard.
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Don't make a huge, irreparable mistake - don't hide her infidelity!!!
Tell everyone, or better make her tell everyone herself.
Be sure to tell the children what is happening in a way that is understandable to their age. The worst part is if they find out from others.
Don't be ashamed, it's not your fault.

Friend…
This has been going on for FOURTEEN years… on and off…
Now it’s off…

You have any friends who drink too much? Ever known somebody who tells you on Monday that now he’s quit drinking after his last scandal on Saturday? Maybe he stays home the next weekends, maybe stays sober for a year? Then next time you hear of him it’s in the news about somebody ramming his car into a wall while intoxicated?

Like you state yourself: She’s been lying to you all the time. Why do you expect honesty now?

The odds of this being over – as in permanently over – are about 1/20 AT BEST!

Keep in mind that I’m considered by many to be so extremely "pro" reconciliation on this site, and I’m giving your marriage a 5% shot at this affair being over…

You can take action to increase those odds… or force the issue so those 95% odds of it not being over come to light NOW rather than after 3-5 more years invested in this time-sharing scheme of a marriage.

NOTHING you can do will help you more than telling his wife.

Right now – today – why is your wife in the marriage? Is it because she wants to be with you? What about those letters about true love and all that? Could it be that she’s there right now to protect her "true love"?
We talk about infidelity as fantasy. In that fantasy they were sharing "alas! In another life we could be riding along the beach on a white horse into the sunset" type posts. Now she might be thinking "Alas! I have to sacrifice my true love and remain with the ogre or the White Prince evil witch of a wife will take his kingdom" or some other form of muddled infidelity mindset.

When you tell his wife the fantasy becomes reality. The "soulmate" can choose your wife. He can call her and they can decide that this is what they want and all happy happy into the sunset. But… what is a lot more likely to take place is he turns his attention 100% to save his marriage – tossing your wife under the bus. Rejection is a great way to get back to reality.

So please – for your sake – tell the wife. It makes the odds of the affair being over go from 1/20 to a more acceptable 15/20.

Second thing:
I don’t doubt the kids are "yours" as in legally and emotionally. But if you have ANY doubts or if there is ANY chance… do the DNA. If for no other reason that for their medical future IF they are OM’s. There is a difference legally between biological parent and legal parent. This is knowledge that can only help you. As someone who raised a child that I didn’t biologically father and met when the child was 3 years, I fully recognize that being dad goes beyond genes and blood.

Third:
Consult with an attorney about your situation.
Your concerns about how to arrange todays schedule to some future situation isn’t really realistic. Your present is based on your arrangements now, and can change. I have a colleague who has his kids full-time every 2 weeks. Those weeks he works a basic 6-8 hour day, for the other two he pulls in 12 hour days.
Don’t let a fear of uncertainty keep you back in a bad situation.

Fourth:
Don’t hide this. Share what’s going on with key stakeholders. Like siblings, best friends and so on. What is about 99% likely to happen is social pressure on her on how wrong this is. Basically (in some ways) shaming her to reality.

Contrary to what you might think: All four of the above are focused on improving your odds of saving this marriage. Only… saving a marriage and not saving some comfortable living arrangement.

I’m going to echo everyone else regarding telling the other wife.
Other than the fact that not telling her makes you party to the affair, but for purely selfish reasons, by telling her, it will reveal your true position in your marriage. If after telling her, the two lovebirds run away together, then you know everything she was telling you about staying with you was a lie and it’s better to get it over with asap!
Also, when you tell the other wife, you do not tell your wife that you are doing it or have done it. Then watch and see if she finds out. You’ll know defacto that they are still communicating!

In 20 years I haven’t seen exposure go against the BS. In the end it has always been plainly obvious that it was the correct choice for all of them that exposed.

Bigger is spot on.

I will add this about my experience when I discovered my wife was cheating. At first she said it was only emotional and we are just friends. Can't I have a guy friend? He is just my friend! Then we kissed once. Then we made out sometimes. Then I gave him oral once. Then I gave him oral multiple times. Then we had sex once but he used a condom. Then we had sex multiple times. Then we never used a condom. Blah blah, blah... Does it really even matter anymore?

The real question is can you live with it? Can you live with never knowing it all? Never knowing the full truth? And can you live with the fact that she would do that to you in the first place? It is not a one time thing or mistake. It is multiple times of making a specific choice many times over many years to be dishonest and unfaithful to you all the while giving the very emotional and most likely physical intimacies to another married man that were only due to you and reserved for you.

By the way, after much investigation and detective work and talking to verifiable sources I was able to find out that my wife was actually meeting up with him anywhere and everywhere they could. Eventually you learn enough and hear enough. And even then you will never know everything that happened.

All I know for sure is that I feel like a fool being kept in the dark by my own wife, the one person I was supposed to have a close bond of loyalty and friendship with and the one person who promised to be loyal to me. What an unknowing cuckold I was going to work and living life with her making and sharing memories like everything was normal. How many times were they disrespecting and humiliating me behind my back while whispering sweet nothings and confiding their feelings to each other?

I'm not saying any of this applies to your situation. But it might. Some of it might. The trickle truth probably does.

From LeoOmela:

"You have 2 paths.:
1) either heal day by day by leaving the betrayer,
2) or stay under the same roof with her and lead a life filled with hidden suffering, worries and suspicions.
Because:
1. You will never forget anything and will not accept an affair and an affair partner if she is around and constantly reminds you of the blatant insult she inflicted on you. That's how our psyche works, there's nothing you can do about it, injuries don't get forgotten.
2. You will live with the certainty that she not only does not love or respect you, but she has never loved or respected you and, of course, will not love or respect you in the future if you decide to reconcile.
If she tells you otherwise, she's lying.
3. You will also constantly remember that she loves another man, that she chose him over you and stayed with you only because of the benefits and out of fear of losing her usual lifestyle, prestige, etc.
If she tells you otherwise, she's lying."

My WW’s cheating was a long time ago.

Every word above is the truth.

Sorry you’re here.

Best wishes.