SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well I guess thanks for letting me join the forum none of us want to need! For me, DDay was Friday. It’s been a rough couple of years for all sorts of reasons but I really thought things were getting better. Turns out not and he’s been having an affair with someone at work, admitted only once the evidence was so clear that he couldn’t deny it. Says it was "only" a couple of times, never serious, I don’t know what to believe. He didn’t even try to cover his tracks.

He says he’s fallen so low, crossed boundaries he never thought he’d cross and is reassessing life/has already sought mental health support. He wants to make it work, I’ve moved out to think.

I guess my question is… does it ever work after? It really is out of character, he’s a complete open book social media/phone wise and I’m so comfortable this has never happened before. We are both in agreement as to what needs to change, but everything online is just "leave them"/doom and gloom.

I’m obsessing over her. She’s prettier, younger, thinner. I feel so inadequate now.

Thanks to anyone who got this far! It’s so lonely, I don’t want to tell anyone in case I try to make it work as they’ll never forgive him

Propinquity. Sixty percent of affairs start at work. If he values your marriage he has to change jobs or she does.

My husband cheated while traveling. I was told but never confronted until years later. He changed jobs, we went on with life and then I told him I knew. He did not deny and we left it there. His were not emotional so I did not feel fear of abandonment but I protected my sahm life until my youngest went to school then I got busy getting a job.

I am very sorry you are now part of this huge tribe. There are many people here who can give you some great advice and support.

WonderingWhatWentWrong,

I guess my question is… does it ever work after?

The quick answer is, yes. And you will find many examples of successful reconciliation here. You may want to read in the Reconciliation section to gain hope and insight.

You said you are confident that this is the 1st and only time your wayward husband strayed. And this may be the case, but you may want to set aside that "confidence" so it doesn’t blind you to the possibility that there are more D-day’s to come. Trickle truth is one of the most common and devastating aspects to infidelity recovery.

Hang in there, we are all here for you and know all too well the unfathomable difficulties you are about to enter into. The process is long and hard but, with good help and lots and lots of patience on both sides of the issue, there is hope.

Asterisk

Hello,

Wonderingwhatwentwrong. Welcome.

Says it was "only"

Anyone busted for anything will typically go straight into "damage control" mode. Wayward spouses will minimize what happened, trying to convince themselves, and their betrayed spouses, that "it wasn't that bad." It's natural, unfortunately.

The Healing Library, accessible from the pull-down menu at the top of the page, has an "Articles" section full of tremendously helpful essays written by veteran members. There are a couple of essays about getting at the truth.

I guess my question is… does it ever work after?

Yes, it does. Reconciliation is possible. It's a very long journey and extremely challenging.

It really is out of character,

Most of think so, too, at first. Part of that is just the shock of it all. It's sooo hard to accept that our spouses were capable of doing whatever it was that they did.

Being able to have an affair is, as demonstrated, a part of your WH's character. At some point, you'll most likely demand answers to why that's true. And while no reasons will ever justify infidelity, understanding why your WS chose to betray himself, his family and jeopardize his career, is critical to rebuilding trust.

I believe that infidelity is self-destructive. Sometimes people simply break. They blow-up their own lives and we, the betrayed, are collateral damage.

His affair had nothing to do with you. Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have made any difference. Good marriage and bad have nothing to do with it. Prettier, thinner and younger had nothing to do with it.

His affair had everything to do with himself. His inability to deal with whatever issues he struggles with is what lead him down Infidelity Lane.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:26 PM, Sunday, November 2nd]

Thanks @unhinged

Funnily enough, that’s exactly what he said. He has no idea why but said he was just self destructing. I saw some of the messages (couldn’t face reading all) and it did look like it was more casual than emotional but guess I’ll find out as time goes on.

They blow-up their own lives and we, the betrayed, are collateral damage.

[This message edited by Wonderingwhatwentwrong at 4:42 PM, Sunday, November 2nd]

Thanks all, that’s helpful to know some of what to be less naive about and also that sometimes it does work. Definitely seeing the trickle truth effect. It’s not even only the affair, he’s just gone totally off the rails

[This message edited by Wonderingwhatwentwrong at 4:44 PM, Sunday, November 2nd]

My d-day was almost 15 years ago. We did a lot of work, and I've ben happy for close to 13 of those years, though for the first 2 years of happiness, I kept telling myself I might be premature in that.

Part of my work - and part of yours, I think - was to look deep inside to answer the question, 'What do I really want?' I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my W, but I considered D. IOW, my reco is to take your time deciding what you'll do.

If you do really want R, my reco is not to commit until after your WS has shown he's committed to doing his work to R. IMO, his workis harder than yours, because he has to make a big change from cheater to good partner. That requires taking himself apart and putting himself back together, making different choices about who he will be.

You heal you. Your WS can provide support, but you're the only one who can heal you.

Your WS heals themself. You can provide support while he does it, but he's the only one who can do the work for himself.

Together, you heal your M - if you both want to.

IMO, the healing can proceed simultaneously, but another reco of mine is to be ready to shift gears if your sitch changes.

A final reco for now: do not try to control the outcome. You can control your own healing. You can control yourself. But you can't control your H. R has worked for many of us, but only time will tell if it will work for you. So give it time. Doing the necessary work is positive for R. Not doing the work is positive for D. Monitor yourself and your H, and act according to what you experience.

He has no idea why but said he was just self destructing.

It’s not even only the affair, he’s just gone totally off the rails

Often enough, the same issues that lead someone down Infidelity Lane are the very same issues that have been tripping them up throughout their lives. The fact that recognizes and admitted he's self-destructiving is a very positive sign. What he chooses to do next is, of course, something to carefully observe.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some that aren't pinned and have bull's eye icons that are helpful, too. I'll go bump them so they're closer to the top of the page. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has some great articles.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blue print of some things he can do to help your healing journey. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a longer read, but has some helpful information, too. (You can read them, too.) Focus on his actions and what they tell you and don't listen to just words - you've already learned that cheaters lie.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. During this time, please practice lots of self-care. Focus on you and your healing, and any children if you have them.

Please see your doctor and get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and kill you. If you're having trouble eating, sleeping or depression, some meds may help you out through this time.

I feel so inadequate now.

The ol' self-esteem takes a hit. Really, this isn't about how you look or didn't look, it wasn't anything you said or didn't say, did or didn't do. This was 100% him and his selfish decisions. Look at all of the gorgeous actors & actresses that get cheated on. Adam Levine is married to a Victoria's Secret underwear model and he cheated on her.

My guess is that when things got rough, he was already involved in the A (affair). What if he'd put all the time & attention on your relationship rather than chasing after the AP (affair partner)? Your rough patch may have been considerably lessened.

Again, welcome to the best club nobody wants to be in.

Prettier, younger, thinner?

None of that was important.

Her important feature?

She was available.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

There’s something very wrong with him.

Best wishes.

Thanks all, I’m just feeling so alone. You’re right, she was just available. I am trying not to think of her at all, but I can’t get over that she had no regard for the fact he was married. And yes, I get that’s on him but I don’t think I’d ever have gone this far with a married man when single even if he pursued me. She’s not fallen for him; she’s just using him for fun too. Every time I think I’m doing ok, it just hits me again. You’re right leafields, the self esteem really gets knocked.

As for putting in the work, he’s saying all the right things, but I guess they all do? He’s become suicidal on a number of occasions since it came out, says the shame is overwhelming. He’s got a crisis team involved who have told him the medication he was on affects impulse control which may be a factor.. personally I think that’s the biggest crock of s*** going. He does still seem to be taking accountability. Part of me thinks his mental health might be really poor as the things he’s done… they’re just warped. He made no effort to even conceal the A. The other part doesn’t even want to consider giving him an excuse.

Sorry, I’ve got one other question (I’m flipping between an emotional wreck and wildly rational)…

A few of you have mentioned counselling; I was already under a counsellor so reached out to her and he is seeing someone next week. Is there a right time to start MC? We seem to both agree on what needs to change, I can’t decide if it’s better to see a MC sooner to help me come to terms with the questions I have or later to let him sort himself out first?

My suggestion is to not start MC, start IC, both of you. He needs to figure out what is broken or missing inside him that allowed him to have an affair. IC may help you deal with the trauma of him having an affair

Several months down the road once you are in a better place mentally THEN you start thinking about if YOU want to stay in the relationship

MC's will typically suggest "moving on, putting the affair behind you, creating a brand new shiny sparkly relationship". I made the mistake of demanding MC from the get-go.

I suggest having him write down a complete timeline of the affair. Have him list every detail, every interaction, EVERYTHING. When he hands it to you ask "Is this everything? " and if he says yes then ask "Are you willing to take a polygraph test?"

If he stalls, balks, asks why, etc that IMO means he is not being truthful. If he simply replies with yes that is a good sign he is.

It takes a while to feel like your head is back on straight and you can see/think clearly. That's why MC too early is a mistake IMO.

I would also suggest that you tell him he has to move out. Why should you have to live somewhere else? Let him be uncomfortable staying in a hotel.

Reconciliation is a process and you go through various stages (anger, resentment, emotional devastation, etc.) similar to grief.

I think the most challenging one is the "why" phase. Why did they cheat? Why wasn’t I (the betrayed spouse) good enough?

I figured out my husband’s "why" long before he did. I’m not sure he ever really understood why he did what he did. Sadly most often the why has NOTHING to do with the betrayed spouse. It’s an ego boost plain & simple.

The affair partner (AP) is available. There’s no special connection because the whole affair is built on lies. Two people pretending to be someone/something they are not. So please do not believe it is or was anything "special".

They were planning to sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Yup I was being kicked to the curb (and I was the last to find out). Dday2 was eye opening because I finally had enough and kicked him to the curb (told him to get out) and planned to D.

In one move I restored my self esteem, gained complete control in our marriage and became a bad ass force to be reckoned with. I was a former doormat and I let my H walk all over me (to avoid arguments I would just give in).

Now? He’s afraid I will D him. 😂😂😂

I’m sharing this because now is the time when you need to get your mind focused on what is the best outcome for you. You might want to reconcile now but change your mind down the road if the cheater is not stepping up to the plate and doing everything possible to make amends.

Reconciliation is a long process. If the cheater is not all in on the marriage, you will see efforts stop fairly quickly. If there is no remorse (which is not the same as regret) then you have very little to work with.

The rose colored glasses are off. You will not see the cheater in the same light anymore. Now is the time to set your expectations of how you want your marriage to be going forward.

I hope this helps you.