SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone I’m fairly new here and I want to talk about my experience because it’s eating me up. I (25F) and my husband (25M) are going through a really tough time after he discovered I had sex with one of my first cousins. Now, I know you’re probably thinking "your what now?". I’m awfully ashamed. My cousin used to molest me as a child so I had some type of trauma bond with him. Anyways, he found out some messages that I sent him talking about the day we had sex. To say he was devastated was an understatement. He punched me three times in the chest and choked me. He was ENRAGED. Rightfully so, I took the blows as punishment. That was Sunday 10/26/2025.

Throughout the week we have been talking about reconciliation. I obviously immediately cut contact with my cousin and any other people who might be trouble. I stopped smoking marijuana as he thought that might take me back to my old days. He told me to get into counseling so I could navigate the situation better. He cried, but hasn’t been able to cry. He said he just feels numb. I’m afraid of losing him because although he said he wants to work it out for our kids and marriage and says he’s not "in denial" and that "he knows what his heart wants". I told him I’ve been reading several stories about people who’ve tried reconciling and end up not in love anymore or simply exhausted from the relationship. I’m having trouble believing him because I feel like his love will fade and rightfully so I came clean and honest about what happened that night and explained the timeline to him. He gets upset and angry when we talk about it, but then reassures we will get through it.

I’m having trouble believing this is real. I’m awfully remorseful and I’m even having trouble staying away from harming myself even though I know I caused this breech of trust. I’m desperately trying to pick up the pieces and make a new version of this relationship. We have two kids so it makes this process even harder. We still sleep together and have been HB but with no sex because I don’t want to rush the healing process. I’m so lost on what to do. I’m afraid he will lose hope. I’m determined to fight the good, bad, and the ugly. Someone with some guidance out there? :(

[This message edited by Pickinguppieces99 at 12:40 AM, Friday, October 31st]

OK this is multifaceted.

As for your first cousin - get in IC NOW! In addition to cheating - sexual relations with a 1st cousin is highly inappropriate at best - criminal at worst. And if you were molested and sexually assaulted as a child by this person you have a lot to unpack and please do so with a professional. You really need to examine if you were a willing participant in this and if so why? Also you need to figure out why you remained in contact [family or otherwise] with someone who had done this to you. Please find a counselor who can help you navigate this minefield.

Now while your WH is allowed to feel enraged he is NOT allowed to physically assault you [punching &/or choking]. It is NOT OK for you to justify this as "punishment". I say this tongue and cheek - but I think he should be having a "discussion" with this cousin.

I can't stress enough you need IC immediately. With someone who specializes in such things.

I’m even having trouble staying away from harming myself.

Please - keep this number handy and do NOT be afraid to use it. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

I am going to counseling on November 14th. I originally contacted him because he was dealing with alcoholism and I tried to play hero by talking with him. It gradually turned into him talking about the molestation I used to endure and for some reason that was enough to entice me to go. I’m disgusted of myself really and I hate that I didn’t realize how inappropriate it was :(

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. In the Wayward Side forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that you may find helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources, too.

I'm glad that you are starting IC soon. You may wish to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint of things you can do to help your BH (betrayed husband) at this time. It will help you understand some of what he may be feeling. Regardless, he shouldn't have laid hands on you. He should also have IC to help him through this time. He's in shock in a sense and that may be why he's numb.

I'll say ditto to everything that Chaos posted.

If you each work on healing yourself, then R may be a possibility. There are so many variables that it's tough to predict the outcome.

As a betrayed partner, emotions are wild for the first little while.
He'll feel enraged that you betrayed his trust.
He'll feel sadness and grief for the loss of the life and relationship he though you shared.
He'll feel afraid of further loss.
He'll feel confusion at how this could have happened, how you could have done this to him.
He'll feel shame, that he wasn't good enough for you to stay faithful to.
He'll feel shock, like none of this can be real.
He may feel a deep desire for you, clinging to what he may have lost, wanting to "win you back".
He may feel very clingy, like he can only trust you when you are together, or he may feel like he needs space to clear his head.
And in between all of this, he's going to feel emotionally exhausted, like he wants it all to just stop.

A chance at reconciliation is a gift he is offering you, and if you accept it, it has to be on his terms. He may want to talk about it incessantly and ask the same questions over and over again, or he may want to just try to carry on as normal. He may want to focus on your well being to help ensure this never happens again, or he may want you to show him proof that you find him important to you. And all of this will change as he processes his own reactions.

I'm sorry, but there are no guarantees that it will work out, but there are plenty of resources here for both of you that might help. Honest communication is key, misunderstandings will destroy any relationship and yours is at a fragile point right now. Apologize frequently for breaking your relationship, tell him how much you appreciate being given a chance to reconcile, and follow his cues for what he needs to process his own emotions and feel emotionally safe with you again so he can heal.

If your BH (betrayed husband) is willing to hold your family together and reconcile with you, grab that opportunity with both hands and don't let go. It's an extremely difficult journey, full of unforeseen challenges unlike anything most of us have ever experienced, but it is possible.

There's a thread pinned to the top of the Wayward forum entitled: "Things that every WS needs to know." This will give you a basic understanding of what a betrayed spouse experiences through the eyes of a WW (wayward wife).

Please, please, please... for your sake, his sake, and the well-being of your children, draw a very firm boundary with your BH when it comes to violence of any kind. I understand rage. Been there and done that. I always knew the definition of the word, but experiencing rage was truly unnerving and scared me. Be firm with him, young lady, and don't back down.

Once upon a time, I came here to find out if reconciliation was really possible and, if so, how to go about it. There is tremendous wisdom to be found here. I know you've come to the right place.

A personal warning. Emotions run high in this little community of ours. Members will offer support and guidance as well as they're able. Sometimes, however, members can lash out. WS (wayward spouses) are always welcomed and encouraged to post in R forum. To protect WS, SI has a feature in W forum that allows a WS to put a "stop sign" on a thread preventing BS from replying.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 3:30 AM, Friday, October 31st]

Violence and laying hands on you is not acceptable. Yes, it's enraging and very hurtful to be betrayed like this, but even as a betrayed husband I could never bring myself to hit my wife or put my hands on her like that. Do not think you deserve that. No one does. I hope this isn't the beginning of, or already a pattern for this type of behavior.

If you R, you have to have a big say in what R will be and what your new M will be.

Think about this: in a sense you sold yourself out by cheating. Part of healing is to stop selling yourself out. Another part of healing is to change from cheater to good partner, and when you're a good partner, you have to actively define and participate in the partnership.

Your H has to heal himself - you can't heal him. You have to heal you - he can't heal you. As your and his healing progresses, you can decide whether or not R really is the best resolution for both of you.

I'm as sorry as I can be that your cousin molested you. That's a gigantic burden to carry. It will be a lot of work to learn to put that burden down. I hope you find good help. If at first you don't, keep looking.

The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation is a good place to look, and their website has a 'Find a therapist' feature. But even the therapists they list can be iffy or downright bad, so look for help, but be careful.

Yeah, I know that advice isn't a great confidence-builder, but predators hide in plain sight. I really wish I could tell you how to spot them.

*****

I don't know your BH, so I don't know if he'll follow through or if you will follow through yourself, but ...

my W felt worthless. She thought her A was unforgivable. She could not understand why I would want to R with her.

I had some stiff requirements, and I couldn;t see why my W wanted to meet them.

Our MC was W's IC. Some of our MC time was me asking for reassurance that my W was committed to R. Some of her IC sessions involved her getting reassurance that I wanted R.

Our MC reminded us that every time we questioned the other's commitment to R, we always sid we were committed. Our MC told me that my W always expressed a commitment to R. As far as our MC was concerned, we sounded like we meant what we said.

So maybe your H isn't committed, but maybe he is. Whatever his level of commitment may be, though, it makes sense that you may doubt him.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:13 PM, Saturday, November 1st]

All this advice that says that reconciliation is in the realm of possibility is grossly irresponsible.

If he punched and choked you, then you need to get out. Now. Choking is the #1 precursor to murder in domestic violence situations.

I’m willing to bet that your husband was abusive to you long before he found out you had sex with your cousin. Maybe he hadn’t escalated to physical violence yet, but someone doesn’t go from 0 to choking out of the blue.

You need to get out NOW. I also strongly urge you to report his attack and get a restraining order.

I doubt you will take this advice, especially since you have so much guilt and shame wrapped up in your abuse by your cousin, but someone needs to be blunt and honest with you.

I think the abuse you’ve suffered as a child is making you think that you should accept the unacceptable. Others may disagree with me, but I don’t see this as cheating— I see this as continuation of the sexual abuse that started in childhood.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:44 AM, Sunday, November 2nd]

Thank you Bluerthanblue,

I promise this is the only time he has put hands on me. It actually scared me to see him so enraged. He has apologized since the incident.

As for my cousin, I am going to IC to figure out why I still had contact with him despite him bringing up my abuse. I guess I felt sorry for him and his alcoholism, but it would sicken me when he would talk about the times he did try to rape and molest me. I still broke my H boundaries because I knew he wouldn’t like me speaking to him anyways, but I felt guilty and pressured to keep going. Many times he would take his penis out and ask me to give him oral sex. I refused, but for some reason later down the road decided to have sex with him because I felt like I owed it to him. I was in a very lonely and dark place, but these actions still don’t excuse what happened. I still want to heal with my H. I never had the courage to speak up about it until all this mess occurred and I wish it didn’t happen this way.

Please know that your experience with your abuser is not unique. It’s quite common, in fact, for abuse that started in childhood to continue into adulthood, and for victims of abuse to be "conditioned" into thinking that these are consensual encounters and that they "owe" sex to their abusers.

Your situation is not typical and it can’t be treated as such. Further, neither is your husband’s reaction, which was to kick you and throttle you. That was unacceptable and, at the absolute very least, he should be in therapy and learn to manage his anger.

My concern is that there may have been some emotional abuse prior to him putting his hands on you and that, once the hysterical bonding phase wears off, you’ll be on the receiving end of his rage. You mention being in a lonely and dark place when you agreed to have sex with your cousin. You need to explore why that was.

You didn’t deserve to be abused by your cousin and you didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of violence, no matter how bad your boundaries are.

I know you don’t want to leave him so my advice to you is that the work on the marriage needs to take a back seat at the moment and the focus should be on the work you each need to do on yourselves.

This all happened less than a week ago. I think it’s too early for you or him to make a decision about reconciling.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:34 PM, Sunday, November 2nd]

Thank you BluerthanBlue,

You’re the only one who really made me feel validated during this experience. I start IC on the 14th and trying to persuade my H to do the same. He’s a really sweet man, he has never emotionally abused me, but it did catch me by surprise that he reacted the way he did considering he never put his hands in me before. I’m having conflicting thoughts right now, but your message really made my brain fog clear up. Thank you so much.