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Hello, I wanted to see what others have experienced during the long years of reconciliation in terms of how the WS feels about the AP. It was always important to me that my WW eventually sees what a bad person her affair partner was. In my scenario, the AP had almost no skin in the game from a risk point of view, it was pretty much all upside for him. He had no kids, his wife believed anything he said, and we had very few mutual friends. My WW on the other hand had a husband who didn't believe everything she told him and was in the middle of raising three young children. The affair disrupted the whole family and nearly resulted in a divorce and a two-household situation for the kids. The list goes on...

I haven't found any evidence of a continued affair for years, but the wounds of the affair are still here for both of us to grapple with. I guess there's a part of me which wants her to resent him for getting off scott free and continuing to pursue her when she had so much to lose and he had almost nothing to lose. Yet, through all our talks I've never heard her say a negative or critical thing about him. I'm interested in hearing what others have experienced.

For me, the feelings about my ap were an evolution.

At first, I definitely didn’t see him as a bad guy.

Later, I was angry because I could see I had been tricked and used.

Then I gained accountability over tricking myself and also using him back.

And then I realized at some point that I didn’t know this person well at all, that I made all terrible decisions and so did he but he was no longer a concern of mine.

All of this probably took place in the first eight to nine months.

I never think about him, even when I write here it’s like I am spitting facts but I don’t picture him or really have any feeling towards him. I didn’t know him, I only know who I projected him to be and I have no idea what happened to him.

I think whatever feeling I would say against him I could say for who I was at that time. That woman is gone, and the man who I did it with inconsequential. It could have been anyone.

I think for us, it’s been more helpful to say what I did was wrong. It was disgusting, demeaning, dehumanizing of my husband and cruel. Focusing on me and our marriage closes the loop- the ap is no longer part of our marriage. I hope that makes sense.

AP in our world was a family friend.

We babysat each other's kids, BBQ together, etc.

So, my wife did not have an especially negative take on the guy.

I had to point out good guys don't try to destroy two families. And a list of other things

I can say, it didn't really help our M rebuild until she had some perspective on that.

If we saw AP today, I am quite certain she would be more violent than me about it (and that aint' easy).

My WH will never think of the AP as a bad person. She also was a family friend and had no problem sleeping with my WH even though she knew we were living common law with a child at the time (46 years ago now). He contacted her in 2023 behind my back and when I found out he went out of his way to tell me she would always have a piece of his heart and that "no one understood him like she did". How’s that for cruel intent and backstabbing. He cannot see any part of her that was bad or wrong so I am wasting my time trying to get him to see the light. If he met up with her again I’m sure he would be ecstatic and I wouldn’t exist in his mind. I think they are both pigs.

I am divorced. The OW was also single, no kids. Living at home with her parents-so also nothing to lose.

When I would bring her up, my ex would actually shutter and you could see the look of disgust on his face. He never defended her nor did he call her names, etc. He was just very matter of fact on how manipulative she was. And how he willingly used her. He never was in love with her-so he had definitely reached the place of being apathetic.

He would have been fine if she dropped off the earth. That we agreed on!

I imagine if there was any hint of residual fond feelings-I would have seen red.

I pointed out many flaws of my WW's AP, but most of the time those criticisms bounced off of her with no effect.

I asked her about this one day, because her AP lied to her about very serious things and manipulated her a lot, she commented that it's difficult for her to see the negative in him because then she has to see the similar negative aspects of herself.

Makes sense, but it still leaves the possibility of another affair with him open in the back of my mind.

I think the first time I heard something specifically negative about AP from my wife was 2 years after DDay.

My WW has never said anything negative about her AP other than that he talks too much. She thinks he’s very smart, a great writer, and my favorite, "always loyal" because he wouldn’t leave his wife and always let her know about his special friendship with my wife. I was the only spouse not in on the relationship. She has told me that I am jealous of him and never liked him. In other words, she thinks that I am not a fair judge. I met him once or twice 55 years ago. I tried talking to him at a dorm party but he wasn’t interested in talking to me. I told her that I didn’t know him but I do know that he willingly participated over decades in a tryst that put our marriage and family at risk while always protecting his own marriage, and that I don’t think that was being a good friend to her. He let her stray onto thin ice while always protecting his own backside. She reluctantly agreed. That is the first and only negative she has voiced about him.

I can relate to how you feel a lot, I was speaking about this in therapy only the other day.

I find it infuriating that my H has not had a bad word to say about AP, the only time I saw him angry was when he was going for the polygraph and I think that was because of how much the cost was, £625 it was and he was not happy, he called her a few names then but aside from that nothing.

I find it disturbing because she has told so many lies and made stupid TikTok videos, one about our son and me too.

She was half his age, single knew he was married kids etc didn’t care.

It’s infuriating he can’t see what I see.

For the longest time I wanted my WH to hate her with the power of a thousand suns.

In the end...I've come to realize that indifference is better.

Hate is a powerful emotion.
Indifference is the absence of emotion.

Feeling nothing towards AP is far superior than feeling a powerful emotion.

I think it was important after my fWW started to come out of limermance to see that both she and her AP were awful people. He was no worse than she was. They were co-equal partners in the deception that they created along with the fantasy they created about themselves.

I am not sure how my wife could have gotten healthy unless she took a hard look at what she was doing and how awful her thoughts, actions, attitudes were. If she had concentrated on how awful the AP was, she could just blame it on him and go on her merry way without looking deeply at what her issues were. Sure, I wanted her to disavow any interest in the AP and make it clear to me that she saw his many flaws. And yes, eventually she admitted to herself that they had little in common.In fact, much of their relationship was made up in their heads, both about who they were and who the AP was. The reality was very different. When she started dealing with reality, she started getting better. AND she moved farther away from the AP. (yes, she had gone no contact, but that did not mean she was not visiting him or the fantasy 'in her head')

I could not make that happen on my own, but I had to help. Her IC also helped. Time was the last helper along with getting on meds for her depression. Now she looks on the AP with disgust. She also looks on the woman she was in the years leading up to it and during the A with disgust. She likes who she is now, and has no interest in who the AP is now.